AND SHE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.......

I believe that this struggle has come to an end. I have survived cancer three times. I don't know why I have been allowed to get better and continue on with my life. There are many people more worthy than I who have not been so lucky. I believe it is God's Grace (The definition of grace being unmerited favor). I am recovering quickly from the surgery. I am looking into the future with excitement and hopefulness. At the same time, I am remembering to stay firmly grounded in the present. I have been profoundly changed from this experience. I thought the pre-cancer Margaret was who I wanted to be. But my friends and family tell me the post cancer Margaret is much better. I think that I finally agree with them.

God Bless all of you have followed this blog. You have given me such strength and have touched me in ways that I can't put into words. I do know that you have all been a part of the healing process. For that, I am forever grateful.

Love,

Margaret

Julie's battle: Post 3

Sent from Julie's Husband Brian,

Dear Friends and Family,
It is with great sorrow but no surprise that I must inform you that Julie passed away on the evening of Sunday, October 10th, 2010, around 10:15 PM. All indications are that she died without pain.
Julie and I were married for 14 years, and they were the finest years of my life. Had I known before I married her what I know now, how short our time together would be, and how it would end, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least. The joy and laughter that we shared, and the love that started out strong and then deepened to a degree I didn't know was possible -- these make even this loss and sorrow worthwhile.
And Julie would agree. Even as late as September, when she had ceased treatment and knew that death was approaching, we would remark at how lucky we are. We had a home to live in, food on the table, jobs we enjoyed, the love of friends and family, and a wonderful marriage -- while so many people cannot claim even one of these. Life is not fair. I don't know why Julie and I were so blessed, but we spoke of this often and we were grateful.
Julie would not have considered herself a social individual. She taught herself to read well before school, and as a child often found books easier to deal with than many of the kids at school. And yet, when we look at the people she's touched in her life, the people who have agonized with us through the entire cancer process, we see an upwelling of care and support that is just amazing. By way of example, this blog alone has been viewed over 13,000 times since she started it. That's 13,000 instances of people caring, of people wanting to know how Julie is doing. She obviously meant a great deal to all of you, and your care and support has meant a great deal to us.
There will be two celebrations of her life, one here in town where we've lived and worked and have so many friends, and another in California where both her family and mine are centered and where we grew up and first met. In the next day or two I will be e-mailing out specific details of these to all the friends and family for which I have contact information. If you receive one, please feel free to share the invitation with anyone I may have missed. If you don't hear me, please check with family members, coworkers, or myself for specifics. While this gathering isn't open to the world at large, anyone who has known or been touched by Julie is more than welcome.
Thank you all for caring so much. It means and has meant more than you can ever know.
-B.

Julie's battle post 2

From last week. Julie's husband is now continuing with her blog. Julie loves her husband and her cat April and her dog Robin. We would spend a lot of time talking about our husband and the non-human loves of our lives. I have only taken this except because it touched me so much.

The animals know something is up now. April is our 18 year old tabby cat. April believes that any idea is a bad idea, unless it’s hers. If I put her on our bed (which she loves), she’ll immediately jump off. If I want her on the bed, I have to put her on the nightstand, which she’ll promptly reject by leaving it for the bed. So I wasn’t expecting much when I put her on Julie’s hospital bed. April was the only animal in the house that hadn’t had some contact with Julie recently. To my surprise, rather than immediately jumping off, she wandered around a bit and then settled down on what would be Julie’s lap if Julie were sitting up. She stayed there quite a while.
As most of you know, Robin is our 6 year old sheltie. He has a strong “weird” detector. If anything is weird, he’ll shy away from it. Things that are familiar can become weird, just because they’re in a different place or turned a different way. Being picked up is extremely weird. Being on furniture is not allowed. So when I picked him up and put him on the hospital bed next to Julie, I also didn’t expect much. Instead, he walked up to her head and sniffed her. Then he gave her a couple of small licks on the end of her nose, and paused. He repeated this a couple of times around her nose and face. I left him there, and he stayed another minute or two. Being picked up, being on the bed — all definitely weird. But still, instead of jumping down he stayed to pay his respects.

Julie's battle post 1

My friend Julie is struggling with her end of life. Here is an email she sent me in early July worried about me:

I just got caught up with your website and am so sorry to read about the devastating times you’re going through. Hopefully your surgeon will come through with some better ideas about what’s going on (besides cancer, that is).
I just started my next cycle of chemo today, but if you’re up for it, I’d like to give you a call on Wednesday. Please let me know if you’d prefer peace and quiet.
Hang in there, girl!
Julie

synchronicity

My MacBook Pro laptop stopped working yesterday. Today I decided to call their tech support line to see if I/they could fix it. I was on the phone for quite a while with a friendly woman who was helping me find my warranty info (apparently I had never registered it). This involved getting another Apple guy on the line and having Derek find the invoice etc. Here is the interesting part: I had mentioned Derek had bought my Mac for my birthday 2 years ago. She said, I wish my husband would buy me a laptop. I thought a moment and then I said, well the reason he bought me such a lavish gift was because I was recovering from cancer treatment. She was quiet for a moment and then said, I am a cancer survivor too. She then added that she was a 3 X cancer survivor. I said ME TOO!!! After we were done with the support call I asked her the circumstances.

She said at 21 she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That same year she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She had some sort of radiation treatment for ovarian cancer and had surgery/chemotherapy for the brain tumor. 3 days after surgery she told them she was going home and didn't want anything more to do with doctors. She was told she would never be able to have children. Then at 24, she became pregnant. Her daughter was born 9 months later. After the birth, the doctors discovered her ovarian cancer had returned and she had to have a hysterectomy/ovarectomy. That was 11 years ago. She says she hasn't set foot in a doctor's office since. She has a perfect,beautiful 11 year old daughter. She says after the 3rd diagnosis, she decided to change her life. She put her trust in God and started using alternative therapies. Acupuncture, herbs. etc. Her last words were, I can tell by your voice you are going to be just fine.

Does anyone think that this is a coincidence? I don't. I believe God was speaking to me through this woman.

Monique and her "kids"

Ask the horse what job she wants to do. Don't assume the horse is able or willing to do the job that you want her to do. It has to be a partnership.

"Love, Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie Siegel M.D.

This book was given to me by my Dear friend Jennifer B. over 5 years ago. For anyone who is sick or dealing with a sick person I highly recommend this book. Here is a paragraph about the characteristics of those people who survive serious illnesses (called exceptional patients):

They are generally successful at careers they like and remain employed during illness or return to work soon. They are receptive and creative but sometimes hostile, having strong egos and a sense of their own adequacy. They have a high degree of self-esteem and self-love. They are rarely docile. They retain control of their lives. They are intelligent, with a Strong sense of reality. They are self-reliant. Although concerned about their own welfare, they are also tolerant and concerned with others. They tend to be nonconformists with a permissive morality-they are unprejudiced, and they appreciate diversity among other people.

Believe!!

I was in pain and very afraid last night. I prayed (from my heart not from my head) and this is the message that was sent to me very clearly. The message was "Believe". I need to believe that I am healed and that I am fine. The life lessons continue even though I want to stop and take a break. I do believe there is a purpose to what I have gone through. I need to let go of the past and embrace the future what ever that holds. It takes a lot of faith and trust to embrace the unknown. I loved my life before I got sick. But I couldn't go back to that life even if I was physically able. The very core of who I am has changed too much. My Dad and I talked about this (a lot) when he was staying with me. I think I was petulant and angry when he kept suggesting the future will be better than the past. I try so hard to hold onto what is familiar rather than move forward towards the unknown. I have thought of myself as person who embraces change. I guess I don't mind change in my external environment but I am very resistant to reprogramming myself from the inside.

Good news

Amy's surgery went great. She came home from the hospital about 2 hours after they removed her gall bladder. Her in-laws are taking care of Henry during the day while she rests. She says she misses her baby terribly and can hardly wait until they bring him back home at dinner time. I really appreciate Raymond's family. They love Amy and treat her like a daughter. It is great to know that she is in loving capable hands in my absence.

My Dad and Barbara left this afternoon. They were a HUGE help. Even at my age sometimes you still need your parents. I am now able to go up and down the stairs, fix my own food and be out of bed for a few hours a day. Even this small bit of independence feels great.

Wanna see the cutest baby ever born???

Look at my Grandson!!! Look at the dimples!!! Look at the slightly red hair???? I can't wait to hug this little guy. His poor Mama Amy has to have gall bladder surgery on Monday the 4th. I guess pregnancy can cause your gall bladder to malfunction. She has been having constant gall bladder attacks since the birth. She can only eat very very bland food. Like the rest of us Amy likes to eat so she is anxious to be back to normal.

Update

My Dad and Barbara arrived today with my brother and Bonnie in tow. It is so great to see everyone. I was so excited I came downstairs laid on the sofa and probably talked their ears off. Bonnie and Richard are leaving tonight to head back North but Dad and Barbara are here until I don't need someone with me 24/7. I am glad that Derek is getting a break for the next few days so he doesn't have to worry about me.

I have reduced my pain pills from 8 per day to 3 per day. I did that immediately upon leaving the hospital. It has been difficult (painful) but I am determined to get off these drugs. My insides are still struggling with what "normal" is. Food is tasting good and I enjoy each meal. I am still on a very limited bland diet but am grateful to be feeling like we are on a upward trajectory.

I see my surgeon tomorrow. He leaving for a one month vacation starting this weekend. The poor man deserves a break. I am so glad all of this has happened while he was in town and not out of the country. God is watching out for me.

Home again!!!

Was released a day early (for good colon behavior). Have only taken one pain pill today. Derek has made me several very small meals. The best was the 2 scrambled eggs and 1/2 of a baked potato with butter and salt. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Then I sit and wait and wait for the things to start moving. I can't believe that my whole life has become my bowels. Small bowel, large bowel, ostomies........LORD I want to talk about something else!!!!! I want to think about something else!!!! Is it too much to hope that "This too shall pass"

BTW: Very skinny and sickly looking. Shocking actually. Think I have aged 5 years the last 3 months.

Back in hospital

I was admitted back into the hospital with severe stomach pain. The doctor did and xray and said my large bowel was very extended and swollen. I was admitted and put on pain killers and Xrayed this morning. My large bowel had returned to normal size and had started functioning again. Actually over functioning. The doctor and nurses said given the severity of my surgery it is not uncommon for patients to have to go back in the hospital because it takes awhile for the colon to remember it job. It is very tricky business getting the colon to function again after being dormant for almost 3 years. He also suggested that I need to stop taking all the pain killers I take. These cause the colon to shut down and that I need to not give it mixed messages. So I need to start weaning myself off the pain killers. I am glad to have an excuse to get off these drugs. They do keep you out of pain but I hate the side effects. I am scared of getting chronic pain again. This is all so difficult.

Dr. appointment today

I got out of bed and dressed myself for the first time in 3 weeks and set off to see Dr. Hyde my surgeon. I think the world of this doctor and he is the only one who believed I was having problems these last few years and didn't just dismiss me. I still was not clear on what he found and Derek and I were going to ask me before he did any exam. He told us that when he opened me up he found that my small bowel had herneated right before the opening to my ilelostomy stoma. He said the small bowel was pushing up into the stoma causing a blockage. He said the small bowel was very swollen and inflamed. It was so swollen that he couldn't sew it back to my large gut and had to remove my ileal secal valve and also decided to remove my appendix in case that should cause problems in the future. I asked why they hadn't seen this before. I wasn't clear on the answer but I think it had to get worse and worse before the problem would actually show up in an xray and CT Scan. He said he couldn't see the problem when revised the ileostomy the first 2 times. I guess it is just bad luck on my part.

He removed my stitches and commented on how well everything was healing. He told me I should stop taking so much pain med and I will try. I am still in a lot of pain. You all know I am not a big baby so I am going to try to reduce my pain meds gradually. I have been in enough pain the last 3 years. I know Derek is going to harass me about the pain meds but I will get off of them when I am ready. It has been an exhausting day. I am back in bed and am going to rest for a while.

Wednesday Sept 22nd

Beautiful day in San Diego. Fog in the morning and sun shine in the afternoon. Have doors and windows open and am enjoying the breezes. Derek has left me "home alone" to go back to work today. So it is me and the doggies. I have been able to go downstairs and fix my breakfast and lunch. Most of my time in spent in bed. I am in a lot of pain but it is the pain of healing and not the pain of illness. There is a big difference living with a pain you know will get less and less and finally go away. My brain is still so confused from the drugs and horrible illness that made me want to just give up. I can't remember what day it is and keep thinking we are in Oct not Sept. I see the surgeon tomorrow. Derek is going to go with me. We are both going to push him to explain to us what went wrong and why couldn't they fix this problem the last 3.5 years. We get the impression that the Doctors might be trying to protect each other and minimize the reality of what happened. I am not interested in suing anyone. I just want to understand what has made me so sick and how it was fixed. I don't think that is too much to ask.

doing better Sunday evening

Derek, Furgus and Wiley have been by my side non-stop since I got home on Friday evening. I got a little bit panicked when I woke up this morning feeling nauseated and couldn't find Derek. (he was outside watering). Derek is fixing me small meals about 4 to 5 times per day. I am eating and the food is tasting good. I was able to walk downstairs and out to the backyard today. That is a huge milestone for me. My Dad and StepMom will be coming later for a visit. I thought it was best that my Dad not have the pressure of having to take care of me. He was reluctant to agree but finally did. I will see them both the week after next when things will be a lot more settled.

Home from the hospital

Please excuse poor grammar and other inconsistinsies. Still very out of it and drugged. I am showered, fed, watered and laying in clean sheets with a Big Black Dog at my side. What could be better. This has been the worst but I have a feeling that this period of pain and suffering are over and I will now finally get well. I can't explain it other than I feel reborn. (and man was it a difficult birthing process). Thanks to everyone for your calls, flowers, prayers, thoughts and love. As always they are what help me through these rough times. As I recover my brain cells a little bit I will try and post some details of what happened and what went on the last 2 weeks.

Love to you all!!!!

admitted to the hospital awaiting surgery

The unrelenting stomach pain forced me to get admitted to the hospital on Sunday. It is now Tue and they are doing surgery tomorrow at 1:45 PM. The surgery will last 2 hours and afterword I will have a mid line incision from my bellybutton to my pubic bone, will be minus an ileostomy and plus a colostomy. I don't have the energy or the brain cells to explain why this is happening.
I will be in the hospital for 5 days after the surgery and then will go home. My Dad and Barbara will come to stay with me for a a week after surgery to take care of me. I am praying and hoping that this will fix the horrible ongoing bowel obstructions I have experiencing ever since they did the ileostomy to me in 2007. It was supposed to temporary and I had kept it for 3.5 years perhaps it was time to say good bye.

Back Home

I have just returned from spending a week in San Jose trying to help Amy with Henry. He is a darling baby but isn't the most compliant baby I have ever met. She and Ray are exhausted. I enjoyed my time with them so much. I also had a nice visit with Richard, Bonnie and my son Rich and his girlfriend Brooke. The only bad part was that I started to get a bowel obstruction the day before I left for home. I stopped eating immediately and just drank liquids. It has been over 48 hours and I tried to eat a little bit today but started to have pain again. Thank the lord I made it home without having the really bad pain and vomiting. I am seeing a therapist that works with people that have chronic pain. I need to talk to someone who can help me live a full life in spite of being in pain a lot of the time. I know it is a mental battle more than a physical one. I have attached a few pictures from out time together

Please Please Pray for Julie and Brian

My friend Julie is in the last stages of her round III battle w/cancer. I have never met Julie in person. We have only emailed, blogged and talked on the phone. She is one of those people that are admired, loved and looked up to. She is smart, funny, interesting, compassionate and slighting irreverent (my favorite). She is wonderful writer and her blog is very honest, witty, smart and heart breaking. She is the type of person that even when going through chemo she would call me to cheer me up when I was down. She loves her husband deeply and has a deep love for her dear dog and cat. She had gone through a very bad depression and decided to start taking some antidepressants. She emailed me about a month or so ago saying she was feeling so much better and would call me right after her chemotherapy dose. I didn't hear from her but I sent her a few emails to let her know I was thinking of her. Her dear husband Brian has been writing in her blog. Here is his most recent paragraph that just breaks me up:


You’re probably wondering what Julie has for a life expectancy. Dr. M prefaced his answer to that question by saying that studies have shown doctors are the very worst at making these predictions. Given that, he said he thought we had numerous weeks to a handful of months. Maybe he’s right, maybe not. We could lose her today, or six months from now she could be doing so well that I’d need to go to the DMV to renew the handicapped parking tag I got last week. But probably not. I’m notoriously pessimistic about these kinds of things, but I suspect I’ll be celebrating Christmas alone. And now I cry.

GOD DAMN CANCER!!!