3/4 of the way there

I just got home full of drugs and am waiting for the sickness to start. I keep telling myself only one more treatment. I haven't slept at all the last two nights. I keep waking up every hour and last night I finally got up and came down stairs because I didn't want to bother Derek. I just hate the thought of putting those nasty poisons into my body. I have got to keep reminding myself that this is the "cure".

Today is the 30th of June (Last day of the quarter for those in sales). I can't believe 3 months ago I was working with everyone to close and process orders (most of which were brought in the last 3 days of March). It was so fun and I was feeling so good about my group and about my contribution. So much can change in 3 months. I was just emailing a friend of mine telling her that the one of things I am learning from my illness is to just let things be. Control is really an just an illusion. Things will unfold in their own way and in their own time.

Chemo tomorrow 6/30/09

I had a wonderful day before Chemo. My friend Kim drove over the hill to spend the afternoon with me. She brought me a wonderful album of pictures of Mo and Capote as well as some beautifully framed photos my friends at the barn had taken over the last year. Usually she is so busy training horses and teaching students, it was a luxury to spend an uninterupted afternoon with her. Plus I got to hear Kim play the piano and sing. What a wonderful voice. Next time she will bring her guitar. Thanks Kim!!

Tomorrow is treatment #3 of 4 chemo treatments. Derek is taking the week off to take care of me. This weekend we were at each other's throats all weekend. I was exceedingly crabby and annoyed by everything he did and said. I am suffering from extreme ranges of body temperature. I am hot one moment and freezing the next moment. Last night I suffered from night sweats all night long and hardly slept a wink. I did get a few good hours of sleep this morning. The chemo nurses say this is one the effects of breast cancer chemo. They said it should improve with time. I sure hope so.

Things of eternal value...

Dear Readers: I hope my son would not mind me sharing his note with my cyber friends and family. I have the two most wonderful children a person could hope for. Being a Mother is the best thing I have done with my life. The love I have given them has been returned many times over. They are the reason I continue to fight. I am determined to survive to see them both married with children of their own. Thank you Lord for blessing me.

Hey Momma,

I heard the news today about Farrah and I'm wondering what your thoughts are on the matter. It's hard when I think she went through the same crap you're going through right now. My heart sank when I heard the news. It made me immediately think of you. I was thinking of what you might be doing right now. Maybe curled up on the couch, drinking a cup of coffee, watching Gilmore Girls while Derek "cleans the fish tank". I'm then taken back to all the memories of you. Playing nerf football infront of the Meriton Court duplex. Making gingerbreads with Grandma. Getting grilled on the green couch about my grades (not the best memory, but still bitter sweet). Going to the barn. Terrible vacations to Washington D.C. and amazing vacations to Washington D.C. All of our Christmas'. All of the great meals you made for the family. Enchiladas, Swedish meatballs, bbq chicken, salmon, your stuffing that amazing brussel sprout and bacon dish with green onions. Reading Amy and I books at nelson way. You have made such an impression on my life and have giving me my tolerance understanding and great work ethic to which I am ever grateful. But most important you taught us how to love.
The picture that keeps running through my mind is the one of you riding Mo when Ally, Sue and I all came out to the barn. You were very happy that day. I hope memories like that help when the go'n gets tough. I love you very much mom. I wish I could be there for you right now. I think of you every day and miss you. I want to fly out soon, planning for sometime in August. It feels like a long time to wait, but I'd really like to see you on one of our birthdays. I wish you strength to get through these next few weeks, I'm sure it's hard, I really can't imagine, but please keep your head up. Know that your whole family is here even if we can't hold your hand. You are an amazing mother, friend and confidant and I love you very much.

your sonny.

Here's to Elaine!!

I just happened to look at my work email and was shocked to see that Elaine Wuertz had passed away over the weekend. For those that don't know her, Elaine was a colleague as well as a friend from work. I met Elaine in the fall of 2007 when she joined Accelrys. She had previously worked for Pfizer and all my Pfizer customers told me how lucky we were to have Elaine working with us. When I was diagnosed a 2nd time with Cancer, Elaine stopped by my office to let me know that she was also a cancer survivor and was very honest and kind to me. I was very surprised when Elaine walked into my oncologist office in late Dec. of that same year. I was waiting to be seen by my doctor and she sat down next to me and confided in me that her cancer had returned. She was very optimistic about her recovery and I know she continued to work as much as she could through her treatments. I was thrilled when she told me that she was in remission. When I returned to work in Jan, she told me that her cancer was out of remission and she was headed for some more extreme treatments. We talked and emailed each other at work and were planning to have lunch. Every time we would set a date, she would get sick and have to be hospitalized.

Right after I had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, she asked me to come visit her in the hospital. At that time, she was fighting off a gram negative infection, so you had to "gown up" to go into her room. I spent most of that Saturday afternoon with her. We talked about life, about husbands, about children and the effect this disease has on your loved ones. I asked her if she got depressed. She said no, she doesn't get depressed because she is optimistic that everything will work out just fine. I remember thinking wow...she has a lot of strength!! We would talk for awhile and then she would doze off. There were lots of doctors coming in and out doing stuff that is so undignified (I won't go into details). She laughed and said you are the one person I know who understands the indignity of illness and If you are not embarrassed then I am not embarrassed. I also laughed and said that it takes a lot to embarrass me as well. When I knew she was getting really tired, I left her. We promised to see each other after I was through my surgery and well enough to visitors. That is the last time I spoke with her.

I am so sad that we have lost such a special woman. God Bless her and take care of her.

My Husband is wonderful!!!

Derek knows that I have been feeling pretty down lately. Last night he told me that if I was feeling up to it, he would drive me to the horse show were Monique was making her debut in a hunter class (jumping over jumps). I was so happy that he was willing to spend a valuable weekend day with ME at one of his least favorite places (smelly horse barns) that I was determined to feel well. We got up early and headed out about 9:00. We packed sun screen, a chairs, and a camera. We got there just as Miss Mo was being tacked up. We found a place by the warm up ring to watch the horses warm up. Mo placed first place in each class.....GO MO!!! My friend Kim was riding her and she did a phenomenal job. She is such a tactful rider and Mo just blossoms when Kim is riding her.

After the horse show, Derek took me into town for a Mexican lunch and beer. The food was great and it was so nice to spend a relaxing day with my one true love. We talked about the future and all the fun things we would like to do. It was so normal and so nice.

I have posted some picture of Kim, Monique and Me. I was able to ride her around a little bit after her classes.

Depression starting to lift

Today is Thu and for some reason I awoke today not feeling so depressed. The last two days have been dark for me. I talked to my Dad on Tue and I could do nothing but cry the entire time. I know that makes him feel very helpless and he worries about me. Yesterday was the same way. I had to make two phone calls and I cried the entire time I was talking. One of the persons was a friend so that was OK. The other call was to my insurance company and the oncology person (Jenn) that has been assigned to my case. I had worked with this same woman last time I was sick so she is very familiar with my case and has been beyond helpful to both Derek and me. I was crying to much that she suggested that I could use some psychiatric help. She is going to send me a list of people that I could speak with about this situation. I said I would like to talk with someone who deals with cancer patients and she says that should be no problem.

Today I am going to see my oncologist so he can measure my blood and probably give me some red and white blood celll stimulating factors. I can't drive so Derek is going to leave work to pick me up. I took a shower with nice smelling shower gel and then put on a beautiful summer frock and my wig. I can't deny that this hasn't been hard on my vanity. My skin is sallow, my bald head is the same color as my "fish Belly" white legs. My eye brows and eye lashes are almost gone. I look at myself and think I look like a female version of Keanu Reeves when he gets out of the incubator in the first Matrix Movie. Not a very attractive look.

Sunday: feeling better

I am feeling much better today. I have been sleeping 24/7 for the last 4 days. Today it seems like I am all "sleeped out" and have been awake since 10:30 this morning. I would say that the second round of chemo went better than the first round. The main reason was I didn't have to deal with a bowel obstruction/hospital stay. I also think being further away from surgery for my breast cancer and gall bladder seemed to make for a less painful experience. The oncologists at Scripps have discovered that if a patient takes Claritan while they are getting White Blood Cell stimulating shots they will not experience any bone pain. Last time I had really severe bone pain from those shots. Taking the Claritan Tablets has reduced the bone pain by an order of magnitude which make this so much easier.

PLUS....my daughter had told me about a mattress topper you could buy for your bed to eliminated hard spots. I had bought a very expensive mattress 9 years ago but the last few years it was causing huge pressure points. The joint ache and bone pain from the chemo made it really difficult to get comfortable. I ordered the 4 inch memory foam topper and put it on our bed before I went through round II. I can't believe what a difference it has made. I never get sore even though I am in bed most of the day.

Thanks for the tip Amy!!!

My Mom's hat

My chemo today went very well compared to last time. No bowel obstructions and no hospital admit!! I am hungry as a horse and trying to control myself as I want to eat constantly. And I had gained 4 pounds in 3 weeks. I think it it is the daily Venti strawberries and creme frapacinos from Starbucks. How many calories do those puppies have anyway???

So to get back on track with the story. I made a mistake and bought only one head cover to wear at night. I didn't realize that your head would be FREAKIN cold at 5:00 AM after being exposed all night. I knew that my Mother in Law (Polly) had made me a hat the first cancer treatment with the expectation that I would loose my hair. As you all now know, it takes 3 separate chemo treatment to make my "UBER" hair (Andrea's words) fall out. Derk and I tore our bedroom apart looking for Polly's crocheted hat. Which I found....Thanks Polly!! In the same bag was a soft wool hat of my Moms. For those that don't know, my Mom was 5 feet 2 inch and 107 pounds soaking wet, so it goes without saying that I never could share clothes with her. Right before my Mom died, we went to Stanford Hospital for a second opinion on her condition. Even though my Mom was ill, she looked so cute that day. It was late fall and she wore a pumpkin colored boiled wool jacket, a grey vest and a soft very cute grey wool hat. Even though it was a serious appointment, it was a day I will always remember. After my Mother's death, my brother, sister in law and I went to clean my Mother's things out of her house. I came across the hat and vest and took them home. I had tried them both on many times but they were hopelessly too small. Tonight I put my Mom's hat on and guess what.....IT FIT!!! It fit like it was made for me. I guess I just needed to be bald. I am writing this wearing my Mom's awesome grey hat. It makes me feel like my Mom is with me.

Love you and miss you Mom!

Chemo Tomorrow 6/9/09

I am mentally getting ready for round II of chemo. I spent the day doing some laundry and light cleaning as well as getting some disability forms in order. I don't know about you but I can't stand a messy house and I know Derek's tolerance for mess is much greater than mine. I feel anxious if I am sick in a messy house. Actually I feel anxious if I am feeling great in a messy house. I guess that sounds a little crazy but I am sure many of you can relate.

My oncologist is giving me some different anti-nausea drugs in hopes that I won't have a shut down in my bowel like I had last time. Derek is going to be working from home this week so that he can take care of me during the worst of the side effects. The good news is after tomorrow, I will be half way through my chemo treatment.

I know you are all praying for me. Thanks so much for your prayers!!!

Buzz cut

Here are the before and after pictures. You can see that my hair was really falling out badly. I was nervous to cut all my hair off. But now that it is done....I feel relieved. Derek was really nervous cutting my hair. I found it very touching. He says he likes it better than my former hair cut. Wow he must have really hated my Lesbian/Grandma hair cut. To be honest, I hated it too. I think I look just like my son Rich!!!! I am curious to see what others think that know him. Derek commented on how red my hair was at the scalp compared to on the ends. I saved some hair to compare to when my hair grows back. I heard that sometimes it grows back different. It is going to be a long time before I have long flowing hair again.

Derek Darling

Derek has been so great during this latest illness. Last year when I was going through this we had a lot of conflict. This mostly was around the fact that I was not doing the things Derek thought I needed to do to get better. He thought I didn't eat enough, didn't drink enough and didn't move around enough. A couple of nights ago I complimented him on not badgering me at all during this last few months. He says he feels Lazy (weird choice of words) for not being on top of me to do all the things he thinks I need to do to get well. I told him I loved the fact that he has been so wonderful this time. He then proceeded to tell me that I would be doing much better if I listened to him but he has given up on me. I told him I really appreciated the NEW Derek and hoped he wouldn't go back to being a pain in the ass (I didn't say those exact words but something to that effect)

Today I went out and bought a pair of hair clippers to shave my head. I was going to use my horse clippers and then decided that probably wasn't very sanitary. I asked Derek if he would shave my head. He reluctantly said OK. He said he is very worried about making a mistake. I laughed and said "How can you make a mistake?" He said he was worried he was going to hurt me. He is so cute!!! I just love him!!!

Stay tuned for before and after pics.

My hair is falling out

Today as I was washing my hair it started to come out. It wasn't too bad until I used my flat iron on it after it had dried. I guess the heat in the flat iron caused the hair to really let go at the roots. Each time I used the flat iron a huge hank of hair would be left on the flat iron. I guess I was holding out hope that my hair wouldn't actually fall out.

I also have another strange malady. I have tears coming out of my eyes constantly. It is not "crying" because I am not having any emotion while it is happening. All of a sudden, I just have tears flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks. It happens about 7 or 8 times per day. I find it very strange.

Yesterday I decided that I needed to see my horses so I drove out the barn. I took my mare out to graze on some nice green grass. It was very hot and humid at the barn and after about a 1/2 hour I got so weak and dizzy that I could hardly walk. It was difficult to walk beside my horse back to the barn. I had to sit down for about a hour until I felt well enough to drive back home. Even with all of that, it was great to see Miss Mo and Capote. I got to spend some quality time with each of them. Capote (my little stallion) was very mellow. Usually he want to play rough but yesterday he stood there quietly while I brushed him and petted him. Perhaps he knows that I am not well and that he has to be careful.