conversations with my son

My son Rich called me last night. We had a really great long chat about life and relationships. He asked me a very basic question. "Mom, if you only had 6 months to live what would you do with those 6 months?" It didn't take me very long to answer. Number 1, I would stop all chemotherapy & radiation. I would go out to the barn and ride my horses and hang out with the great horse people I have come to love, I would walk my dogs in the mountains and take them to dog beach. I would see my friends and go out to lunch. I would have all my family come visit me and I would cook large delicious meals and they would eat my food. We would sit at the table after dessert and we would laugh and pick at the remainder of the dessert until it was all gone.
I realized those were exactly the same things I was doing before I got sick. In other words, I was living my life exactly as if I had only a 6 months to live. Of course I had to work and work does take up a significant amount of time but my life was joyful and fulfilling. When I would hike with my dogs each morning, I would watch the sun rise over the eastern mountains. The beautiful sunrises always reminded me of the song "Morning has broken like the first morning" (by Cat Stevens) and I would remember to thank God that I am alive, healthy and blessed. Some how I have got the idea that I need to change myself in order for the cancer to go away. Because somehow I believe that my actions or my life style has caused my cancer. Last night after talking with my son, I realized that I don't have to change myself at all. I am going to continue to live the way I have always lived, with passion, with energy, with anger and with love.