AND SHE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.......

I believe that this struggle has come to an end. I have survived cancer three times. I don't know why I have been allowed to get better and continue on with my life. There are many people more worthy than I who have not been so lucky. I believe it is God's Grace (The definition of grace being unmerited favor). I am recovering quickly from the surgery. I am looking into the future with excitement and hopefulness. At the same time, I am remembering to stay firmly grounded in the present. I have been profoundly changed from this experience. I thought the pre-cancer Margaret was who I wanted to be. But my friends and family tell me the post cancer Margaret is much better. I think that I finally agree with them.

God Bless all of you have followed this blog. You have given me such strength and have touched me in ways that I can't put into words. I do know that you have all been a part of the healing process. For that, I am forever grateful.

Love,

Margaret

Julie's battle: Post 3

Sent from Julie's Husband Brian,

Dear Friends and Family,
It is with great sorrow but no surprise that I must inform you that Julie passed away on the evening of Sunday, October 10th, 2010, around 10:15 PM. All indications are that she died without pain.
Julie and I were married for 14 years, and they were the finest years of my life. Had I known before I married her what I know now, how short our time together would be, and how it would end, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least. The joy and laughter that we shared, and the love that started out strong and then deepened to a degree I didn't know was possible -- these make even this loss and sorrow worthwhile.
And Julie would agree. Even as late as September, when she had ceased treatment and knew that death was approaching, we would remark at how lucky we are. We had a home to live in, food on the table, jobs we enjoyed, the love of friends and family, and a wonderful marriage -- while so many people cannot claim even one of these. Life is not fair. I don't know why Julie and I were so blessed, but we spoke of this often and we were grateful.
Julie would not have considered herself a social individual. She taught herself to read well before school, and as a child often found books easier to deal with than many of the kids at school. And yet, when we look at the people she's touched in her life, the people who have agonized with us through the entire cancer process, we see an upwelling of care and support that is just amazing. By way of example, this blog alone has been viewed over 13,000 times since she started it. That's 13,000 instances of people caring, of people wanting to know how Julie is doing. She obviously meant a great deal to all of you, and your care and support has meant a great deal to us.
There will be two celebrations of her life, one here in town where we've lived and worked and have so many friends, and another in California where both her family and mine are centered and where we grew up and first met. In the next day or two I will be e-mailing out specific details of these to all the friends and family for which I have contact information. If you receive one, please feel free to share the invitation with anyone I may have missed. If you don't hear me, please check with family members, coworkers, or myself for specifics. While this gathering isn't open to the world at large, anyone who has known or been touched by Julie is more than welcome.
Thank you all for caring so much. It means and has meant more than you can ever know.
-B.

Julie's battle post 2

From last week. Julie's husband is now continuing with her blog. Julie loves her husband and her cat April and her dog Robin. We would spend a lot of time talking about our husband and the non-human loves of our lives. I have only taken this except because it touched me so much.

The animals know something is up now. April is our 18 year old tabby cat. April believes that any idea is a bad idea, unless it’s hers. If I put her on our bed (which she loves), she’ll immediately jump off. If I want her on the bed, I have to put her on the nightstand, which she’ll promptly reject by leaving it for the bed. So I wasn’t expecting much when I put her on Julie’s hospital bed. April was the only animal in the house that hadn’t had some contact with Julie recently. To my surprise, rather than immediately jumping off, she wandered around a bit and then settled down on what would be Julie’s lap if Julie were sitting up. She stayed there quite a while.
As most of you know, Robin is our 6 year old sheltie. He has a strong “weird” detector. If anything is weird, he’ll shy away from it. Things that are familiar can become weird, just because they’re in a different place or turned a different way. Being picked up is extremely weird. Being on furniture is not allowed. So when I picked him up and put him on the hospital bed next to Julie, I also didn’t expect much. Instead, he walked up to her head and sniffed her. Then he gave her a couple of small licks on the end of her nose, and paused. He repeated this a couple of times around her nose and face. I left him there, and he stayed another minute or two. Being picked up, being on the bed — all definitely weird. But still, instead of jumping down he stayed to pay his respects.

Julie's battle post 1

My friend Julie is struggling with her end of life. Here is an email she sent me in early July worried about me:

I just got caught up with your website and am so sorry to read about the devastating times you’re going through. Hopefully your surgeon will come through with some better ideas about what’s going on (besides cancer, that is).
I just started my next cycle of chemo today, but if you’re up for it, I’d like to give you a call on Wednesday. Please let me know if you’d prefer peace and quiet.
Hang in there, girl!
Julie

synchronicity

My MacBook Pro laptop stopped working yesterday. Today I decided to call their tech support line to see if I/they could fix it. I was on the phone for quite a while with a friendly woman who was helping me find my warranty info (apparently I had never registered it). This involved getting another Apple guy on the line and having Derek find the invoice etc. Here is the interesting part: I had mentioned Derek had bought my Mac for my birthday 2 years ago. She said, I wish my husband would buy me a laptop. I thought a moment and then I said, well the reason he bought me such a lavish gift was because I was recovering from cancer treatment. She was quiet for a moment and then said, I am a cancer survivor too. She then added that she was a 3 X cancer survivor. I said ME TOO!!! After we were done with the support call I asked her the circumstances.

She said at 21 she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That same year she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She had some sort of radiation treatment for ovarian cancer and had surgery/chemotherapy for the brain tumor. 3 days after surgery she told them she was going home and didn't want anything more to do with doctors. She was told she would never be able to have children. Then at 24, she became pregnant. Her daughter was born 9 months later. After the birth, the doctors discovered her ovarian cancer had returned and she had to have a hysterectomy/ovarectomy. That was 11 years ago. She says she hasn't set foot in a doctor's office since. She has a perfect,beautiful 11 year old daughter. She says after the 3rd diagnosis, she decided to change her life. She put her trust in God and started using alternative therapies. Acupuncture, herbs. etc. Her last words were, I can tell by your voice you are going to be just fine.

Does anyone think that this is a coincidence? I don't. I believe God was speaking to me through this woman.

Monique and her "kids"

Ask the horse what job she wants to do. Don't assume the horse is able or willing to do the job that you want her to do. It has to be a partnership.

"Love, Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie Siegel M.D.

This book was given to me by my Dear friend Jennifer B. over 5 years ago. For anyone who is sick or dealing with a sick person I highly recommend this book. Here is a paragraph about the characteristics of those people who survive serious illnesses (called exceptional patients):

They are generally successful at careers they like and remain employed during illness or return to work soon. They are receptive and creative but sometimes hostile, having strong egos and a sense of their own adequacy. They have a high degree of self-esteem and self-love. They are rarely docile. They retain control of their lives. They are intelligent, with a Strong sense of reality. They are self-reliant. Although concerned about their own welfare, they are also tolerant and concerned with others. They tend to be nonconformists with a permissive morality-they are unprejudiced, and they appreciate diversity among other people.

Believe!!

I was in pain and very afraid last night. I prayed (from my heart not from my head) and this is the message that was sent to me very clearly. The message was "Believe". I need to believe that I am healed and that I am fine. The life lessons continue even though I want to stop and take a break. I do believe there is a purpose to what I have gone through. I need to let go of the past and embrace the future what ever that holds. It takes a lot of faith and trust to embrace the unknown. I loved my life before I got sick. But I couldn't go back to that life even if I was physically able. The very core of who I am has changed too much. My Dad and I talked about this (a lot) when he was staying with me. I think I was petulant and angry when he kept suggesting the future will be better than the past. I try so hard to hold onto what is familiar rather than move forward towards the unknown. I have thought of myself as person who embraces change. I guess I don't mind change in my external environment but I am very resistant to reprogramming myself from the inside.

Good news

Amy's surgery went great. She came home from the hospital about 2 hours after they removed her gall bladder. Her in-laws are taking care of Henry during the day while she rests. She says she misses her baby terribly and can hardly wait until they bring him back home at dinner time. I really appreciate Raymond's family. They love Amy and treat her like a daughter. It is great to know that she is in loving capable hands in my absence.

My Dad and Barbara left this afternoon. They were a HUGE help. Even at my age sometimes you still need your parents. I am now able to go up and down the stairs, fix my own food and be out of bed for a few hours a day. Even this small bit of independence feels great.

Wanna see the cutest baby ever born???

Look at my Grandson!!! Look at the dimples!!! Look at the slightly red hair???? I can't wait to hug this little guy. His poor Mama Amy has to have gall bladder surgery on Monday the 4th. I guess pregnancy can cause your gall bladder to malfunction. She has been having constant gall bladder attacks since the birth. She can only eat very very bland food. Like the rest of us Amy likes to eat so she is anxious to be back to normal.

Update

My Dad and Barbara arrived today with my brother and Bonnie in tow. It is so great to see everyone. I was so excited I came downstairs laid on the sofa and probably talked their ears off. Bonnie and Richard are leaving tonight to head back North but Dad and Barbara are here until I don't need someone with me 24/7. I am glad that Derek is getting a break for the next few days so he doesn't have to worry about me.

I have reduced my pain pills from 8 per day to 3 per day. I did that immediately upon leaving the hospital. It has been difficult (painful) but I am determined to get off these drugs. My insides are still struggling with what "normal" is. Food is tasting good and I enjoy each meal. I am still on a very limited bland diet but am grateful to be feeling like we are on a upward trajectory.

I see my surgeon tomorrow. He leaving for a one month vacation starting this weekend. The poor man deserves a break. I am so glad all of this has happened while he was in town and not out of the country. God is watching out for me.

Home again!!!

Was released a day early (for good colon behavior). Have only taken one pain pill today. Derek has made me several very small meals. The best was the 2 scrambled eggs and 1/2 of a baked potato with butter and salt. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Then I sit and wait and wait for the things to start moving. I can't believe that my whole life has become my bowels. Small bowel, large bowel, ostomies........LORD I want to talk about something else!!!!! I want to think about something else!!!! Is it too much to hope that "This too shall pass"

BTW: Very skinny and sickly looking. Shocking actually. Think I have aged 5 years the last 3 months.

Back in hospital

I was admitted back into the hospital with severe stomach pain. The doctor did and xray and said my large bowel was very extended and swollen. I was admitted and put on pain killers and Xrayed this morning. My large bowel had returned to normal size and had started functioning again. Actually over functioning. The doctor and nurses said given the severity of my surgery it is not uncommon for patients to have to go back in the hospital because it takes awhile for the colon to remember it job. It is very tricky business getting the colon to function again after being dormant for almost 3 years. He also suggested that I need to stop taking all the pain killers I take. These cause the colon to shut down and that I need to not give it mixed messages. So I need to start weaning myself off the pain killers. I am glad to have an excuse to get off these drugs. They do keep you out of pain but I hate the side effects. I am scared of getting chronic pain again. This is all so difficult.

Dr. appointment today

I got out of bed and dressed myself for the first time in 3 weeks and set off to see Dr. Hyde my surgeon. I think the world of this doctor and he is the only one who believed I was having problems these last few years and didn't just dismiss me. I still was not clear on what he found and Derek and I were going to ask me before he did any exam. He told us that when he opened me up he found that my small bowel had herneated right before the opening to my ilelostomy stoma. He said the small bowel was pushing up into the stoma causing a blockage. He said the small bowel was very swollen and inflamed. It was so swollen that he couldn't sew it back to my large gut and had to remove my ileal secal valve and also decided to remove my appendix in case that should cause problems in the future. I asked why they hadn't seen this before. I wasn't clear on the answer but I think it had to get worse and worse before the problem would actually show up in an xray and CT Scan. He said he couldn't see the problem when revised the ileostomy the first 2 times. I guess it is just bad luck on my part.

He removed my stitches and commented on how well everything was healing. He told me I should stop taking so much pain med and I will try. I am still in a lot of pain. You all know I am not a big baby so I am going to try to reduce my pain meds gradually. I have been in enough pain the last 3 years. I know Derek is going to harass me about the pain meds but I will get off of them when I am ready. It has been an exhausting day. I am back in bed and am going to rest for a while.

Wednesday Sept 22nd

Beautiful day in San Diego. Fog in the morning and sun shine in the afternoon. Have doors and windows open and am enjoying the breezes. Derek has left me "home alone" to go back to work today. So it is me and the doggies. I have been able to go downstairs and fix my breakfast and lunch. Most of my time in spent in bed. I am in a lot of pain but it is the pain of healing and not the pain of illness. There is a big difference living with a pain you know will get less and less and finally go away. My brain is still so confused from the drugs and horrible illness that made me want to just give up. I can't remember what day it is and keep thinking we are in Oct not Sept. I see the surgeon tomorrow. Derek is going to go with me. We are both going to push him to explain to us what went wrong and why couldn't they fix this problem the last 3.5 years. We get the impression that the Doctors might be trying to protect each other and minimize the reality of what happened. I am not interested in suing anyone. I just want to understand what has made me so sick and how it was fixed. I don't think that is too much to ask.

doing better Sunday evening

Derek, Furgus and Wiley have been by my side non-stop since I got home on Friday evening. I got a little bit panicked when I woke up this morning feeling nauseated and couldn't find Derek. (he was outside watering). Derek is fixing me small meals about 4 to 5 times per day. I am eating and the food is tasting good. I was able to walk downstairs and out to the backyard today. That is a huge milestone for me. My Dad and StepMom will be coming later for a visit. I thought it was best that my Dad not have the pressure of having to take care of me. He was reluctant to agree but finally did. I will see them both the week after next when things will be a lot more settled.

Home from the hospital

Please excuse poor grammar and other inconsistinsies. Still very out of it and drugged. I am showered, fed, watered and laying in clean sheets with a Big Black Dog at my side. What could be better. This has been the worst but I have a feeling that this period of pain and suffering are over and I will now finally get well. I can't explain it other than I feel reborn. (and man was it a difficult birthing process). Thanks to everyone for your calls, flowers, prayers, thoughts and love. As always they are what help me through these rough times. As I recover my brain cells a little bit I will try and post some details of what happened and what went on the last 2 weeks.

Love to you all!!!!

admitted to the hospital awaiting surgery

The unrelenting stomach pain forced me to get admitted to the hospital on Sunday. It is now Tue and they are doing surgery tomorrow at 1:45 PM. The surgery will last 2 hours and afterword I will have a mid line incision from my bellybutton to my pubic bone, will be minus an ileostomy and plus a colostomy. I don't have the energy or the brain cells to explain why this is happening.
I will be in the hospital for 5 days after the surgery and then will go home. My Dad and Barbara will come to stay with me for a a week after surgery to take care of me. I am praying and hoping that this will fix the horrible ongoing bowel obstructions I have experiencing ever since they did the ileostomy to me in 2007. It was supposed to temporary and I had kept it for 3.5 years perhaps it was time to say good bye.

Back Home

I have just returned from spending a week in San Jose trying to help Amy with Henry. He is a darling baby but isn't the most compliant baby I have ever met. She and Ray are exhausted. I enjoyed my time with them so much. I also had a nice visit with Richard, Bonnie and my son Rich and his girlfriend Brooke. The only bad part was that I started to get a bowel obstruction the day before I left for home. I stopped eating immediately and just drank liquids. It has been over 48 hours and I tried to eat a little bit today but started to have pain again. Thank the lord I made it home without having the really bad pain and vomiting. I am seeing a therapist that works with people that have chronic pain. I need to talk to someone who can help me live a full life in spite of being in pain a lot of the time. I know it is a mental battle more than a physical one. I have attached a few pictures from out time together

Please Please Pray for Julie and Brian

My friend Julie is in the last stages of her round III battle w/cancer. I have never met Julie in person. We have only emailed, blogged and talked on the phone. She is one of those people that are admired, loved and looked up to. She is smart, funny, interesting, compassionate and slighting irreverent (my favorite). She is wonderful writer and her blog is very honest, witty, smart and heart breaking. She is the type of person that even when going through chemo she would call me to cheer me up when I was down. She loves her husband deeply and has a deep love for her dear dog and cat. She had gone through a very bad depression and decided to start taking some antidepressants. She emailed me about a month or so ago saying she was feeling so much better and would call me right after her chemotherapy dose. I didn't hear from her but I sent her a few emails to let her know I was thinking of her. Her dear husband Brian has been writing in her blog. Here is his most recent paragraph that just breaks me up:


You’re probably wondering what Julie has for a life expectancy. Dr. M prefaced his answer to that question by saying that studies have shown doctors are the very worst at making these predictions. Given that, he said he thought we had numerous weeks to a handful of months. Maybe he’s right, maybe not. We could lose her today, or six months from now she could be doing so well that I’d need to go to the DMV to renew the handicapped parking tag I got last week. But probably not. I’m notoriously pessimistic about these kinds of things, but I suspect I’ll be celebrating Christmas alone. And now I cry.

GOD DAMN CANCER!!!

Mayo Clinic here I come!!!!

I was talking to my Dad yesterday and he was telling me about a friend of his who went to the Mayo Clinic. This guy said the treatment and care were great. That moment I decided that I was going to see if the Mayo would see me. The hope is that they can figure out why I am having this ongoing stomach pain and bowel obstruction problems. I called my insurance company and the Mayo Clinic is considered in network. I called the Mayo/Phoenix and was able to get an appointment on Oct. 4th. There is something very serendipitous about all of this. First of all that my insurance covers the Mayo outside of Calif. The second is the GI group just opened up appointments at the Mayo as of this last week (They were so booked they weren't taking any new patients). Thirdly they only see patients with a diagnosis of colitis or crone's disease. It just so happens that I was diagnosed with diversion colitis by my inept GI doctor in San Diego. BTW: My surgeon says that is a ridiculous diagnosis because that would never cause the kinds of problems that I am having. But what is great about Mayo is that once you get into the system they will keep referring you until you get to the right specialist. But you have to have a diagnosis to get into the system. The woman that made my appointment was so caring and nice on the phone. I have seen several programs about the Mayo system and how they are one of the best health care systems in the world and actually make money. I know if this problem ever gets diagnosed and fixed it is because of my tenaciousness. Which by the way is exhausting when you are not feeling very well.

More pictures

Baby.....yeah

7lbs 6 oz 23 inches. Born 9:55 PM August 4th. Mama is exhausted but baby is beautiful. I am in Grandma heaven. Mom and baby went home this evening. Here are some pics (more to come)

Wed evening 9:30 PM....No baby yet

Still no baby. Ray let me know that Amy has started pushing. Baby started to go into distress. She stopped her pushing for awhile. Got a text from Ray saying she is back to pushing and baby's heart beat is strong. Poor Amy she has really been through it with this pregnancy. I have been up and worried since 5:30 this morning. I have taken a sleeping pill and am going to try and get some sleep. Nena and I are leaving at 7:00 AM tomorrow morning. It will be a long drive. Thank God for such wonderful friends such as Nena (she is a dear). Will try and post tomorrow evening or Friday when I have a chance to get settled and find a computer.

My prayers have been answered (once again)

Amy is in labor as I write this email. I am feeling SO MUCH better. Amy's dear friend and my new friend Nena will be driving me up to San Jose and back to San Diego next week. I can't believe this is all working out. Things looked to terribly dismal last week. This reminds me to keep the faith and never give up hope. I know all of your prayers, healing thoughts, and love have come through for me once again. I couldn't keep going if it wasn't for all of you wonderful people.

Amy is having a rough time of it. So far she has been in labor since 5:00 AM yesterday (Tue). She called me at 5:30 AM this morning and had finally been given her epideral. Thank God for modern medicine. Ray texted me at 10:00 AM to let me know she was 6.5 cm and had been able to sleep. I haven't heard a peep from anyone since 10:00. All I can say is this baby had better be a good little boy because he has put his mother through hell the last 9 months. Amy said she wanted 4 kids.....hmmm.
She may be rethinking that decision about right now.

I will try to send post pictures as soon as I get them.

potential diagnosis: Diversionary colitis

Saw GI guy today. I need to have endoscopy and colonoscopy to confirm the results. This has been scheduled for Thu 8/13 at 7:30. He seemed to have an idea right away as to what might be going on. I am not supposed to refer to these things I am having as "bowel obstructions" anymore. I am not sure what I am supposed to call them but he made it clear that was the wrong term. Also the mucous hole in my ostomy is called a mucous fistula so I must use that correct term as well. (BASTARD) I hate everyone right now. Derek thought he was a nice guy which is high praise for Big D (who thinks most people are stupid)

On the bright side, he does have an idea what might be going on and there is a treatment if this is the case. I need to cut the guy some slack and be grateful that he isn't just patting me on the head and sending me away like most doctors have done. I am just a very crabby crabby person right now.

What a hug!!!!

Richard and I were working to get my Mom's house ready for sale. As I walked into the kitchen, my Mom appeared. She was wearing a summer dress circa 1960 (blue flowers on the fabric) Sleeveless with a boat neck. She looked absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Her countenance was giving off the most beautiful aura of tranquility and she glowed with a white light. I said "Mom!' and ran to her with arms open, In my dream, I knew that she had been been dead for many years, but that didn't distract me from welcoming her into my arms. Though my Mom was only 5'2" in life, when I hugged her my head rested on her chest and I reached up to embrace her. Her hair and skin smell so wonderful and we hugged for a long time.

When I woke from my dream I wondered if my Mom had come to me to in my dreams to provide comfort and love. I believe that is the case.

Today

Saw surgeon who taught me to do a procedure that is too gross to talk about or think about. Just when you think they can't possibly come up with more indignities they always do.

He has referred me to gastroenterologist on Monday morning. I am trying to have hope that this pain will end and I will feel be pain free and able to eat food. I love food!!! I miss food!!! I could never be anorexic.

No baby yet. If Amy hasn't gone into labor by next Thu (8/5) she will be induced. I am hoping for a miracle that I will be able to be with her after the baby comes.

update on "bowel" issues

Something is not right. I can't eat solid food or I get the symptoms "appearing" to be a bowel obstruction. I haven't eaten hardly anything since last Sat. I think I am OK and then I eat a small amount and regret it for the next 7 hours. I talked to Amy today and she said I need to do something about this. So I once again I have a call into my surgeon to see what if anything he can do. I can only go so long without eating. I am at my wits end. They can't find anything when they look at the CT scans and X-rays. Have you ever heard the saying, "when you hear hoof beats you expect horses not zebras!" Maybe they are looking at the most logical explanation and they are missing something that is completely unrelated to my small/large intestines.

Now it is not a question of whether or not I will be able to come up to help Amy with my Grandson. It is not going to happen at least in the short term. I can't tell you what a disappointment that is to me. This is so important to me. BTW: Today is Amy's due date. She went to the doctor and there was no indication that labor was eminent. She has an appointment to be induced next Thu the 5th if Henry hasn't decided to show himself before that time.

Another FREEKIN Bowel obstruction

I am sitting up in bed waiting for the vomiting to begin. I have barely recovered from the last incident and now it appears that I am facing another one. I have lost almost 10 pounds in the last month because I have a very small appetite and am afraid to eat very much. I am waiting for Ray to call to let me know that Amy has gone into labor so that I can drive up to San Jose. Now I am worried this will set me back so much that I may not be able to make it up to N. Calif to help Amy out the first week.

LIFE SUCKS!!!

Thought I had better write something

I am still adjusting to my new "reality". That reality being that I may never get a whole lot better physically and will have to find ways to enjoy my life that don't involve the things I used to love (which are mostly demanding physical stuff). I am thinking about selling my remaining horse Capote. It doesn't make sense paying board on a horse that I can't ride for more than 10 minutes every two weeks. Six months ago I would have been completely distraught at the idea on being horseless. Now it just seems like one more thing I am being forced to give up for my new life. I used to hope that this illness would put me on the path to something new, exciting and different. So far that has not been the case. It seems like much more has been taken away than has been gained. The only exception would be the understanding of how great my family and friends are. I thought I already appreciated them but now I have a much deeper appreciation of their tireless giving of time and energy. I am a lucky gal.

Amy's due date is next Wed. the 28th. I am planning on driving up to San Jose when I get the call that she has gone into labor. I will stay up in San Jose for a week to help Amy settle in with her new son Henry. I am very excited to hold my first Grandchild.

Horrible Dream

I had checked into a hotel room with my dogs. The room was rambling with many rooms and was disjointed. One of the rooms looked out into a horse corral. I could see a pony mare with her foal and a little girl caring for them. I spent most of the time in my hotel rooms but then decided to go out for swim. There was no one around so I took off my robe and jumped into the pool naked. As soon as I did that the area filled with people from my former company. I was horrified. I swam to the side of the pool and a woman handed me my robe. I put on the robe but my glasses were fogged up so I couldn't see very well. I stumbled back to my hotel room. I went inside and was greeted by my dogs. I was looking for food to feed them , when a man walks into my room. I said this is my room there must be some mistake. He said no I have a key they must have inadvertently given me and my friend your room. We walked around my rooms and then I noticed all his luggage and boxes of paperwork and realized he must have already been in my room. I wasn't worried about it and thought that he and I would go to the front desk and straighten things out. We were making small talk and I knelt down next to Wiley to stroke her fur. I looked up at the man and he pulled a gun out of his pocket and aimed it at us. There was a loud bang and at first I thought he had shot Wiley because there was blood on my arm that was around her neck. Then I realized that he had shot me. I couldn't believe this was happening. I am thinking you see these things on the news all the time and now I am going to be victim. I looked up at him and he was still pointing the gun at me watching to see what would happen. I thought he is going to shoot me again. Then I started to feel the life fading out of me. I felt my vision constrict and a rush like I was leaving my body. I thought I am going to die. I can't believe I am going to die!!! Then I woke up.

The dying part felt so real. I was incredulous when I woke up and found that it was just a dream.

My oncological visit today

It was a decent meeting with my oncologist. Mostly he wanted to talk about fish tanks with Derek so at least he didn't make me cry. He thought my surgeon had some good suggestions about what to do to try to stop my bowel obstructions and stomach pain. He said if that didn't work, he could refer me to another surgeon. We decided not to do the 6 month PET scan and wait until a full year. Derek and I had already decided that was what we were going to do so it was good that he agreed. He does not think this current problem has to do with cancer nor do I.

I was lamenting about how I am not recovering like I would hope. He says that every time I go through one of the episodes or illnesses it sets me back in my recovery several months. Since I have these obstructions fairly regularly it means like my Step Mom says (3 steps forward 2 steps backward). I told him I never expect to be back to "normal" but what can I expect as far as recovery. He said something that shocked the heck out of me. He said in all his years of practice he has never had a patient that has gone through the treatment I have gone through. I said is that because most of them die? He said no it is because your case has been so unusual. He said people may have multiple cancers or recurrences, but the third time people present with a cancer, they generally can't tolerate a full dose of chemo as if it were the first time. I am the only one he knows that has had 3 first time chemotherapy treatments. It made me realize how crazy I am to think I will get anywhere near back to normal. Now I realize why I can't ride and why I can't work and why I can't clean the house. It also makes me realize how much damage this chemo must have done to my healthy cells. How long can I expect to live before I start having health problems from the actual chemotherapy treatments? Of course I wanted to live, so I had to have the treatment. Only God knows what is in store for us in the future so I guess it is in his hands.

Feeling a bit better

CT Scan showed no bowel obstruction even though I am having the same symptoms of a bowel obstruction. My surgeon has a couple of ideas and I will meet with next week. It has been almost a week and I am still in bed and so weak. I just started eating "real" food today. It has been almost a week since I have eaten more than a couple of bites. I see my oncologist tomorrow and of course he will jump to the conclusion of cancer. The CT scan only shows large tumors but wouldn't pick up small ones. Of course, it would have to be a large tumor to be causing an obstruction. It happens every 10 to 12 weeks like clock work. If it was something I was eating, it wouldn't be so cyclic. Derek and I our at our wits end with this problem. According to many ostomy support websites, it is an ongoing painful problem with many of us who live with ostomies. Others live with this. I guess I will learn to as well.

Thanks everyone for your prayers and healing thoughts.

More Crapola

Spent 1/2 day at the hospital today. I had an Xray of my pelvis and it showed no obstruction. Still having pain and discomfort. Scheduled for CT Scan tomorrow morning. Should have the results by mid morning. This is very depressing. More reminders of the frailty of my body. My spirit is strong just not my body. I keep hoping I will never face another of these bowel obstructions ....yet they continue to happen. I can't seem to control when or why. I try to be so careful about what I eat. I hope I will not have to admitted to the hospital.

Bowel Obstruction and Bad timing

I was so looking forward to the visit of my Dad and Step Mom. I had shopped for the meals and had some fun things planned. Wouldn't you know it, Monday night I started having the symptoms of a Bowel obstruction. It is now Wed. evening and I still am uncomfortable and can't really eat anything or I feel so full and like I am going to start vomitting again.. I was able to eat a little bit of ham and an english muffin. But the English muffin is stitting like a lump in my stomach threatening to come back up. Of course Dad and Barbara are great and say that they are just happy to see me. I am so SICK of being SICK. I wonder when/or if this will ever end.

A door closes

I received a call this weekend from my employer Accelrys that I am to be officially laid off. Accelrys has recently purchased another company and everyone knew there were going to be lay offs come the merger. I have been on disability for the last 15 months but have harbored the hope that one day I would be well enough to return to work. Accelrys/Scitiegic have been so good to me the entire time I have worked for them. Of all the companies I have worked for, this one is my favorite. I will always hold a special place in my heart for all the good people that have worked for and continue to work for Accelrys. I am not ashamed to admit that I broke down and cried when I was taking on the phone to our VP of HR. These were tears of sadness that this stupid illness has robbed me of one more thing that I value and treasure. But the reality is that I am not ready to go back to work. Mentally there is nothing more I want, but my body is not cooperating. It is taking a very long time for me to recover from the surgeries, radiation and chemo. I am confident that I will recover but I can't control when this will happen. I do know that God is looking out for me. He has closed the door. Because if the door were opened again, I would jump through the threshold with both feet and wear myself out trying to be the person I used to be.

Ahhh....N. Calif

I just got back from a week in N. Calif. I miss the N. Calif coast, the golden grass, the oak and redwood trees. There is no place more beautiful than the Big Sur Coastline. I have attached some photos of Amy (8 months pregnant) my brother and me on our way to Napethe in Big Sur. You have to have grown in up in the 60's to know Napethe Restaurant. See the famous bridge along the Big Sur Coastline. This has been in many movies including the Graduate.

Old friends and happy days

My friend Kathy has come to visit for the weekend. We have been friends for 33 years. We have been through marriages, divorces, birth of children, and the deaths of our beloved mothers. It is great knowing someone that has seen you grow up and "mature". One of our bonds, is our love of horses and the outdoors. Today we celebrated our friendship by going on a trail ride. In typical Margaret and Kathy fashion, we went up and down steep trails and made our own trails through the rugged brush. The only difference: in the "old days" we would have done that at a full gallop. Yes age brings fears as well as shall we say wisdom??

Here is a picture of the two of us setting out on our ride. I am riding my new favorite horse in the barn (a wonderful equine soul named Blue).

My Father and Flies

Fathers Day is approaching and I thought I would write a memory of my Dad. My Dad is a biologist/entomologist and was a professor for many years. My brother and I spent many hours in my Dad's laboratory on the weekends and in the evenings. It was in the basement of an old biology building and I can still remember the smell and the interesting things that were in that building. My Father's research centered on flies (Big meat eating flies). I feel bad that I don't know all the details (I was really young) but I do know that he was dissecting flies and putting electrodes in their hearts and then would monitor their heartbeats. I know it was a big deal because he had an article about his research in the San Jose Mercury News. One Easter Vacation he paid me money to take care of the flies. Part of my job, entailed putting a can of dog food in with a bunch of these huge flies. They would then lay eggs, the eggs would pupate and the pupa would turn into these HUGE maggots. I was not a brave girl when it came to insects (much to my Father's dismay) although I was pleased to making some really good money for a kid. I was moving these boxes of maggots about the lab and I dropped a huge box of maggots on the floor. There were maggots from one end of the lab to the other. I just wanted so much to walk out of the lab and never come back. But I knew these maggots were important to my Dad's research and I didn't want to ruin his experiment. So I found a broom and dustpan and swept up all the maggots and put them back in their box. I am not sure if my Dad even knows this story.

I saw one of these huge flies in the backyard the other day and it made me think fondly of my Dad.

Happy Father's Day Dad

I just love this picture of Amy and Raymond

Just a little whine....

I hate having constant pain in my muscles and joints
I hate that my left breast hurts so much that I can hardly stand to wash it when I shower
I hate having pains and I have no idea why I am having them and then I get scared
I hate having an ileostomy
I hate having my bag leak at night all over the bed clothes
I hate having my bag leak during the day and forget to bring a bag change
I hate when I change my bag and have to look at my stoma
I hate not being able to ride my horse (or only ride a little bit and then get tired)
I hate not being able to spend 1/2 day 3 times/week turning out the horses without feeling like I am going to fall over
I hate that I have to think about scheduling activities because I have to factor in rest time
I hate not being able to eat a salad
I hate not being able to eat fresh fruit
I hate not working and being able to contribute financially to our family
I hate having to go the doctor on a regular basis
I hate waiting for my 6 month PET Scan to find out if the cancer has returned
I hate that I can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time
I hate that I don't have the energy to do household projects (now have to pay people or not do it at all)
I hate the fact that I know more about TV programs/HBO/Showtime series than anyone else on the planet

OK....I am done now.
Next post will be Positive.....I promise!!!

Borrowed from my friend Julie's blog

Mayo Clinic debunks the cancer myth that:
a positive attitude is all you need to beat cancer.
Although many popular books on cancer talk about fighters and optimists, there’s no scientific proof that a positive attitude gives you an advantage in cancer treatment or improves your chance of being cured.
What a positive attitude can do is improve the quality of your life during cancer treatment and beyond. You may be more likely to stay active, maintain ties to family and friends, and continue social activities. In turn, this may enhance your feeling of well-being and help you find the strength to deal with your cancer. A positive attitude may also help you become a more informed and active partner with your doctor during cancer treatment.

This statement makes me feel happy and vindicated. I get so sick of feeling like I have to say positive things to make sure the cancer doesn't come back. That is a load of CRAP!!! I say this is the most positive way possible :-)

Baby Gracie with friends

Is this not the cutest thing ever??????

Capote goes back to kindergarten

My friend Marion did a great job giving Capote his Dressage education. To put it in human terms, Capote has the equivalent of a bachelor's degree. Like some young men, Capote has excelled at learning a skill but has not learned his manners. From a safety perspective it is very important for a horse to have good ground manners. Good Ground manners entail, leading with all 4 feet on the ground (not on your hind legs); no nipping at the handler, standing still while being mounted, picking up your feet when being asked, standing quietly, getting along with other horses; having a pleasant willing attitude when working with your person.
So Capote has gone back to kindergarten to learn his manners.

I have asked Kim (Mo's new person) to be his teacher. All of her horsey charges have wonderful manners so I thought she would be the perfect person to teach Capote the horsey equivalent of: Please, Thank you, getting along with others and respect for for a person's personal space. Right now he is like the A.D.D. Boy in class that is constantly getting in to trouble, jumping on the chairs, pinching the girls and picking fights. Doing anything to get attention even if it means negative attention.

His Kindergarten started 2 days ago. Here is a pic. of Kim and Capote at dusk. Capote is standing quietly on top of a hill enjoying the sunset. It might seem like something simple but it is huge to have him relaxed and chilling

Nothing to report...

I have been laying low the last week or so. Derek was really sick last week. I have only seen him this sick twice in 17 years of marriage (which tells you how tough he is). I know he is sick when he stops riding his bike, doesn't go to work and stays in bed for 3 days. Unfortunately he has passed his disease on to me. I started to get a sore throat yesterday. It is supposed to be a hot weekend so I will put on the air conditioning and hope that I won't get as sick as Derek was.

Dream Interpretation

My friend sent my dream to her sister who is a therapist and an amazing dream interpreter. My friend did not tell her that I had the dream because her sister knows my situation and she didn't want to prejudice her interpretation. Here is her read on the dream:

She is navigating some difficult issues in her life. There are things she wants or needs to talk about but cannot. She is confused and disoriented and has lost her way. The only comfort and safety is found with her former friend who is now deceased. The "warm conference room" indicates safety in a place where she can talk, without fear.

This is such a "RIGHT ON" interpretation. My friend is sending my dream to another therapist to get his read and I will post his response as well.

My dreams are the same lately

I am getting weirded out by my dreams. They are always a variation on the same theme. I am trying to do some task and I can't see very well, I am stumbling and weaving and often there is something very thick in my mouth that makes if difficult for me to speak. I try my best to rub my eyes and to step carefully and pull this "stuff" out of my mouth. It ends up just getting worse and worse until I finally wake up in frustration.

Last night I dreamt that I was meeting my best girlfriend from childhood (Randie). We were meeting in Chicago. I was trying to get my boarding passes, get through the airport and to the hotel. I was not able to see very well, and I was wearing pajama bottoms with no shoes and was having a difficult time walking. I get to the hotel and I am out in the parking lot stumbling around in the snow and it is nighttime. I can't see very well and my feet are freezing. Then I see Randie walking across the parking lot. I am so happy to see her and we hug each other. She takes my arm and leads me to a warm conference room in the hotel. There is so much to say because we haven't seen each other for 9 years. We are talking and enjoying each other and then I realize this can't be real.....Randie died 9 years ago. I say "Randie you are dead why are you here?" She just looked at me with really sad eyes and then I woke up.

I need my friend Pinkie to interpret this dream......or maybe I don't want to know the interpretation

Miss Ally and Mikey

I couldn't resist posting this engagement photo of Allyson and Mike. They are such a perfect couple!!!! Now comes the hard part....planning the wedding. I don't envy them at all.

I am BACK!!!

Sorry for not posting the last week or so. My brother and I planned a surprise visit with my Dad. He knew my brother and sister-in-law were coming for a visit. What he didn't know was that I would be joining them. Barbara was in on the surprise and even though I almost blew it several times talking to Dad on the phone....the surprise was a success!! We had a lovely time in Sedona and then my brother, Bonnie and I drove from Sedona to San Jose where I attended a friend of mine's wedding last Sat. Then I spent the next few days hanging out with my kids and spending time with Richard and Bonnie. It was a wonderful trip!!! I was happy to get home to Derek and the "hounds from hell" but I already miss everyone. Attached are some pics of the family and of Jen and David's wedding.

Mother's Day "fun"

I was feeling pretty tired today but wanted to do something fun for Mother's Day with my doggy children. I decided to go on a short hike with the dogs. Wiley's idea of a good time is looking for dead stuff to either eat or roll in. Many times I have had to play tug of war with a rotting carcass trying to prevent her from eating it. I am always scanning the trails for snakes and dead things to make sure the dogs don't get involved. Wiley is feeling extra chipper now that she is on her Cushings Meds. I released her lead and she takes off like shot down a steep brush covered hill and into a canyon. I see her from a distance rolling around over and over on the ground. I knew she had found her dead thing. I was praying she would just roll in it and not eat it. Finally she comes running back up the mountain with a big smile on her face. Not only is she covered in rotting flesh but she is covered in small burrs the size of a the head of a pin. I held my nose and took her back down the trail and loaded (yes loaded) her into my SUV. I got her home and tried to figure out how to approach this problem. I can't bathe her until I get the burrs out of her coat. But the burrs are coated with decaying goey stuff. So I tried the "Furby", followed by a dog brush. Then Derek came out and started laughing at the situation. He suggested a shedding blade. He went to work trying to get as many burrs out of her coat as possible. Then I took over. Finally an hour later the dog was partially de-burred and bathed. There are still many burrs to pulled out but at least she doesn't smell bad.

......and I like hiking with my dogs why?????????

Is this not the cutest thing ever????

Here is little Rene showing off her first place ribbon on Miss Mo. Aren't they the cutest pair? This is their first show together. Rene weighs all of about 50 lbs and is being taken care of by a 1200 pound animal. If a horse could smile.....Mo would have a big grin in this picture.

Gifts of Wisdom and compassion

You never know when you are going to get some little pearls of wisdom. I had been wallowing the last two weeks in what I can only describe as lack of any motivation to do anything. I really just wanted to stay in bed 24 hours a day. I have been dealing with some legal papers and have gotten to know the local notary who is an East Indian woman with the most beautiful countenance. I pulled myself out of bed to go get the last of my papers notarized. We started to talk about life, health, children & husbands. She had the most amazing wisdom about these topics. In a very humble way, she told me that I can come visit her anytime and she would be happy to listen to me.

My friend Carrie has introduced me via Internet, blogging and phone to the most amazing woman who is also a 3 time cancer survivor. Unfortunately she lives far from San Diego so we have never met in person. She is currently undergoing some very difficult treatment for the cancer. Yet......she calls ME to see how I am doing after getting an email from me that indicated I needed some comforting. She talked to me for 45 minutes and as a cancer survivor she understands how this can really suck and how you behave weird sometimes and don't behave "what used to be your normal". Here she is a few days after chemo calling me to comfort me.

I am humbled by their goodness......

recovering just fine

My oral surgeon called me yesterday to see how I was doing. I said I was doing great. He said "Really?" "Aren't you in pain?" I replied that I was fine. He then proceeded to ask me a series if questions about swelling, bleeding, numbness...etc. I said again that I am doing fine. He almost seemed disappointed or at the very least mystified. He gave me his phone number is case anything changed. I thanked him for his call and concern and we hung up.

It occurred to me that my idea of pain and healthy people's idea of pain are probably very different. I have been through some truly excruciating painful and humiliating treatments and procedures. Perhaps my pain threshold has been raised by all of these experiences. I guess that is a good thing

Oral surgery tomorrow

It has been a few months since I have been poked, cut on and stitched up....so I guess it is time for more surgery (YEAH). At this point, I just shake my head and submit. I don't even care about the explanation of the procedures. I told the oral surgeon, "as long as it doesn't involve sticking anything up my butt, I am on board." I got a very weird look from him when I said that. I forgot that he has no idea what I have been through other than the general term "cancer". Oh well.....

There will be general anesthesia, pulling a tooth and harvesting and transplanting some jaw bone. My goal is to stay as comatose as possible for the entire weekend.

Getting back my strength

Last week was a long week. I had a terrible time getting my strength back after that horrible bowel obstruction. I was so exhausted, nauseated and dizzy that I felt like I was back a year in my recovery. I found out that part of the problem was some over the counter medication I was taking. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps this might be what is causing some of my tiredness and dizziness. I stopped taking the medication on Sat. I still felt crappy yesterday but today I awoke with a tad more energy and could convince myself to get out of bed. Whew.....I am relieved that I am on the mend. All the fears start to come back when I take a turn for the worse like this.

Today the dogs and I spent a few hours in the fresh air at the barn. The weather was so beautiful and warm. The wild flowers are in bloom and the hills are carpeted with color.

Bowel obstruction DAMN IT!!!!

Just when I think everything is getting better and that I will never face another one.....it happened. I ate a little bit of cookie with some nuts when I was with Ally on Sat afternoon. I felt kind of weird Sat. night but I was fine on Sunday. Sunday afternoon I ate some yogurt and strawberries. The strawberries were chopped up in the food processor and I didn't eat more than a 1/3 of a cup. About 6:00 PM the pain started. I took to my bed in hopes that the episode wouldn't follow its usual path. Wrong again. I was up the entire night with horrible belly pain with the associated retching and vomiting (lovely). No one in our house got any sleep last night. Luckily the strawberries made it through by about 7:00 this morning. Like always I am completely exhausted from these bouts. It get so dehydrated that my leg, thighs and foot muscles cramp so bad that I can't sleep. I have tried to replenish my fluids today and not feel sorry for myself.

Miss Ally is getting married

My dear friend Allyson got engaged a few weeks ago. I had the honor of accompanying her to her first wedding dress store today. It was a small boutique owned by two very nice young women in Solana Beach/Del Mar. They closed the salon for her fitting and it was so fun. We both liked the first one she tried on. Of course you can't purchase the first wedding dress you see. Ally' Mom is coming to SD at the end of the month so they will continue forth with the shopping process.

Ally looked great in everything she tried on. I have posted pics of our favorite. Too bad the lighting isn't good because it doesn't show the details of the dress. Very elegant and Very Allyson. It will be funny if she ends up buying this dress.

New life at the barn

Dreamy had her foal last weekend. I haven't heard the details but I know that Kim was the midwife. The foal is a dun filly and looks to be as pretty as her Mom. Here are some Pics sent from Kim

Congrats to Dreamy and Silver (the daddy)!

Baby Name

I talked to Amy today and she is feeling great. Ray and she have finally agreed upon a name for their baby Boy.

Drum roll please...............

HENRY ALEXANDER HOLLIS

That is a name that suits a man as well as a boy. Only 3 1/2 months until I get to meet Henry in person.

Accelrys Sales conference

I spent the last 3 days at the annual Accelrys Sales conference. It was so wonderful to see all my friends and colleagues, most of which I hadn't seen in over a year. It was exciting to see all the changes that are happening at the company. There were many new faces and I got a chance to meet some of the new talent that has joined the company.

It was kind of a let down today when I woke up and was home alone for the day. I forgot how much it means to me to contribute and work towards a goal. I know I still have some recovery to do but I am looking forward to going back to work when the time is right.

Monique has a new owner

My dear horse Miss Mo has chosen a new person. It has been happening gradually over the last year and a 1/2. It became clear to me that she was no longer my horse back in Nov. when I went on a short trail ride before having my surgery. She gave me a weird vibe that she wasn't really interested in being ridden by me anymore. Many of you may know that my friend Kim has taken care of Mo during the time that I have been sick. Kim has given Mo a new job that Mo loves and excels at. She teaches Kim's young students to ride. She is so careful with the little ones and never takes a wrong step. It is so amazing to see these 50 lb kids riding around on a 1100 lb babysitter. It is a heart warming site.

So today I signed Mo's registration papers over to Kim. She was so touched that she shed a few tears. I had already shed my tears in private. We hugged each other tight knowing what a special equine soul we have shared and how happy the 3 of us found each other. I have known in the bottom of my heart that someday Mo would end up with Kim. Kim offers Mo a forever home with constant attention and love. What more could anyone ask for.

Derek is happy we are now a One Horse Family :-)

Pic of Kim an Mo last summer (Derek and I on the sidelines watching).

Capote and I are getting to know each other.....

Hopefully no more bad behavior on his part!

Results are stellar!!!!

My Mammogram, MRI and ultrasound all showed no problems. I felt like everything was going to be OK......but have thought that before and then been surprised. My surgeon said he didn't have to see me for an entire year. All the nurses were congratulating me. Apparently they were all holding their breaths as Dr. Hyde was reading my scans. Even though I complain about some of my doctors, the nurses that have taken care of me have been incredible, wonderful caring women. I have now made 2 milestones: 2 years cancer free from the colorectal cancer and 1 year cancer free from the breast cancer. I am getting stronger each week and look forward to resuming my life.

fell off my horse today

I got a little too confident with my "new" gelding. I decided to join 2 friends for a short trail ride. I figured that Capote's testosterone level was non-existent since his gelding 6 weeks ago. I did question the fact that one of the horses was a mare but decided to just treat him like a gelding and not worry about it. BIG MISTAKE!!. We had not been on the trail but a few seconds when Capote decided to show off and stand on his hind legs. It happened so quickly. I made the mistake of pulling back on the reins rather than pulling his head to one side to get his front legs back on the ground. It felt like he was going to fall on top of me so I baled off the side and landed in some tall soft grass (thank you Lord). I quickly got up and caught him as he was face to face with the mare (better than his face to her butt as he might get "ideas"). I got back on and finished the trail ride. My two friends were really shook up as the last thing they wanted to see was for me to get hurt. I am sure my surgeon is going to think I am insane when I come limping into his office tomorrow and have to admit I fell off my horse.

Had my battery of tests

Yesterday I had my mammogram, ultrasound and breast MRI. I started at 7:30 AM and was done by 11:30AM. It is amazing how desensitized you can become to all these medical procedures. Last year when I had my breast MRI, I was freaking out because of the claustraphobia of being face down in a tube. This time, I spent the time praying for my sister in law's (Bonnie) mother Joy. Joy has just been diagnosed a second time with cancer. We are all very concerned for her. Thinking about another person made the MRI so much easier to bear.

I will know the results next Thu. when I see the doctor.

Amy left today....

My dear daughter left to go back home today. We had a very wonderful relaxing time together. I always enjoy cooking for people so I tried to make her all favorite foods. Today we celebrated and went to Jakes in Del Mar (Amy's favorite place) and we had lots of good food. I had the waitress take this picture of the two of us.

It is hard to believe that the next time Amy comes for a visit she will have a little one in tow. Life continues to change. Gone are the days when she could spend a leisurely week or two with me and we could stay up late and sleep in. I know it will be worth it to be a Grandma but I will miss these times.

New Hair color

Here are some before and after pictures after getting my "chemo colored" hair done yesterday. Amy's comment was "For the first time in 2.5 years you look healthy". This color is very close to hair color I was born with. I am very happy with the results.

Today

Amy hadn't made her requisite trip to the barn since she arrived. It was a beautiful day today. The hills are green and the wild flowers are in bloom so she was anxious to drive to Ramona. I was anxious to show her the new barn to introduce her to the mini horses and 18 hand Percheron gelding named Thunder. Here are pictures with Amy and little Bean juxtaposition with the largest horse at the barn. Amy agrees with me that she needs to get one of the mini horses. She thought they were so cute.

More medical CRAP!!!

I had an appointment with my surgeon today. He told me that I need to have mamogram, ultrasound and MRI to make sure the breast cancer has not come back. I said, I just had a PET, rectal biopsies and they said everything was fine. He said that PET doesn't pick up early onset breast cancer and that rectal biopsies have no relationship to getting a breast cancer recurrance.

I left there feeling so defeated. I thought I was done with all this crap....at least for the next 6 months. Now I have to have more tests and then wait for the results. I feel like this is never going to end. I expressed my frustration to Amy and she is so sweet. She knows just to listen and be sympathetic and let me vent. She is a good friend as well as a great daughter.

I am feeling upset!

Capote has recovered from his surgery

Marion sent me a picture of Capote taken on Saturday. It looks like he has completely recovered from his neutering. If you look closely, you can see that he is missing his two "friends" and the swelling is almost gone. I hope his testosterone levels are dropping rapidly and he is thinking only of eating and sleeping instead of mating with anything on 4 legs.

VIP at the Del Mar Dressage Affaire

My friend Ann hosted me as a VIP at the Del Mar Park for a very exciting Dressage Event. Guenter Seidel (Olympic Dressage rider) rode Trinity. This is a horse that was purchased from my former trainer Bettina Loy. She was a proud "horse Mama" watching her former horse doing Intermediate I and getting first place. We sat in a VIP booth and had special earphones where we could hear commentary on each rider. It was so interesting hearing all the big time riders getting criticized as well as praised. We all ate good food and drank Champagne and wine inside the barn (because the weather was so chilly). I had such a good time!! I have attached a picture of me already to go (See Dad I am wearing my Jacket!); one of our barn picnic and of Ann's horse wanting to join the party.

Thanks Ann for a wonderful time!!!

It is a boy!!!

Amy is visiting for 2 weeks. She got her ultra sound results and the baby is Boy! I knew it was going to be a boy!!! I met him in my dream right after their marriage. He was so cute and lovable. I can't wait to meet him in person. Ray and Amy had picked out a girl name but are still arguing about a boy name.

Amy and I spent the day at "Baby's R Us" registering for all sorts of Baby Stuff. There are so many cool items for a baby. She registered for this high tech baby swing that has all sorts of bells and whistles. There are multiple types of strollers, walkers, car seats and some things I have never heard of. We spent 3 hours and still need to go back to register for more stuff. I hope it will all fit in Ray and Amy's tiny house.

When Amy arrived on Wed., she said she hadn't felt the baby move. She started to feel movement yesterday and now the baby has been moving a lot. Her Doctor has moved her due date from Aug. 6th to July 28th. I have attached a picture of Amy with her little "baby bump".

Back from Sedona, AZ

I had a wonderful time in Sedona with my dear father and my dear stepmother. My parents have made some wonderful friends during the 10 years they have lived there. Their circle of friends have supported my Dad and have been praying for my recovery the last 2 1/2 years. Many of them I had never met. Barbara hosted a dinner so that I could all meet these kind people. They are of different faiths (Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Eastern Religions). The commonality is that they were all praying for my healing. What a blessing to me and my family. They were very pleased to see that their prayers had worked and I was able to let them know how much I appreciated their spiritual efforts on my behalf.

We feasted and drank to their love and friendship. It was a magical evening. I have posted some pictures.