Kindness of strangers

An anonymous couple donated (to me) an infusion of medical grade marijuana in olive oil. Because of of all the weirdness associated with pot (even in liberal CA), the couple did not want to identify themselves. I received the gift via a friend of mine. This is a really interesting substance. It tastes just like olive oil and you only need to take 1 tbsp. It doesn't feel like you are stoned and out of it like regular pot. When I put some of it on toast, in about an hour I notice all my aches and pains feel less intense. I notice a mild stimulation of my appetite but not extreme. The feeling last for about 3 hours and these goes away very gradually. I have been taking a synthetic version of pot that is very very strong and cost $1500 for one prescription( of course with insurance it is only $50.00). It works better on the extreme nausea then regular pot but I am so out of it that I can't remember what I said or what was said to me during the time I am taking it. This mellow olive oil infusion is a great remedy for where I am at right now with respect to my recovery.

Thanks dear friend for "hooking me up" and thanks dear unknown friends for your kindness and generosity.

Better Today

My temp broke this morning. My other problem has seemed to let up as well. I called the doctor and I have a sigmoid oscopy scheduled for next week. I was really scared that I would have to go to the hospital. Took my temp a few minutes ago and it was 99 degrees. So still have a lower grade temp. I hope it doesn't go up again I was really sick yesterday

Not doing well

Today I have become progressively sicker as the day has gone on. I started to have some scary rectal bleeding/discharge as well as being so cold that I can't keep warm (80 degrees in the house). I have been in and out of the bathroom every 5 minutes. Tonight I took my temp and it is 102.1 degree. I feel very sick. I have taken some ibuprofen to bring down the temp and if not better will call my oncologist tomorrow morning. I did make an appointment to get a sigmoid oscopy to find out why I am bleeding. That will happen next Fri. I am so numb to all of this and I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I am better.

Visit with my oncologist

Derek and i saw Banerjee today. He always starts our meetings by asking me to tell him what we should do next. At first I was put off by this way of interacting with patients, but now I like it because it makes me feel like I am in control of my treatment. I told him that it was time to schedule my PET scan as it had been 6 month since the last scan. SIDE BAR: THIS PET SCAN HAS TO DO WITH MONITORING THE RETURN OF THE ANAL CANCER IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BREAST CANCER TREATMENT THAT I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH. BANERJEE HAS TOLD ME REPEATEDLY THAT HIS BIGGEST FEAR FOR MY HEALTH IS THE RETURN OF THE ANAL CANCER. .Banerjee then said, "lets discuss all the outcomes of the PET and what our plan would be for each outcome. What if the PET SCAN shows metastasis to your lung and or liver? Now I start to hold back tears because I wasn't even thinking of that as an outcome. Then he says what if the PET scan shows a local recurrence in your anus or rectum? Then I said to Banerjee, "Why do you always have to bring out the worse case scenarios. I said I don't want to talk about metastasis or other bad stuff. He looked at me and said, I disagree. I think you and I have to discuss all the possible outcomes of any step we take and make contingency plans. I said I don't like talking about the possibility of greater sickness when I am trying to only think about getting better. I am going to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow. Perhaps this is the best way to handle information.....I just want to bury my head in the sand and only think about having a healthy future.

Sunday evening

I am starting to come out of the chemo fog. I still can't get out of bed but I am not sleeping all the time. I am feeling crabby and out of sorts. I just need to remember that this will pass and I will feel human again. I have a big meeting with my oncologist on Tue to discuss when to do the PET scan. He seems to want to postpone my 6 month scan that is due now. I started to argue with him in his office last week but then thought it wasn't right to argue in front of all the patients. I need to hear him out before coming down on him.

Slept all day

I have been so tired that I can get out of bed. I can barely keep my eyes open to watch TV.....I just fall asleep. It is good to sleep as the time goes really fast. Derek is staying home and taking care of me. Not much to do. I wake up take drugs, drink liquids and then fall back to sleep. My sleep is completely dreamless.

Day After Chemo

Pretty drugged up and out of it. Had to visit doctor for a EPO shot to stimulate white blood cell growth. The house cleaner had just cleaned the house so I went up stairs, took a shower and then climbed into nice clean stiff sheets......HEAVEN!! I am going to just let the drugs take me where they may and wake up whenever.

More Amy....

Amy left today and I am going to miss her. We had a wonderful time together. Because I always get nervous before my chemo treatment, Amy and I decided to do a "movie marathon" last night and to stay up all night if possible. I only made it until 1:30 AM but then I went right to sleep. I slept through the entire chemo treatment which took less time than normal (Not sure why). The nurses all loved the cookies I made and I think they were happy to be appreciated.

I am posting some random pictures of some hats that Amy has made for my bald head. They are really cute. We also bought some scarfs to experiment with to try to create some exotic head pieces. Speaking of Wedding dresses, I have my Mom's wedding dress from the mid 1940s. Now that Amy is looking at wedding dresses she was very anxious to see her beloved Grandma's dress. I wanted to have Amy holding the wedding dress in the picture but she said she would have to get make up on and do her hair before posing for a blog picture.....so I held the wedding dress. One thing about having cancer.....you aren't expected to look that good.

Hot Hot Hot

Yesterday is was 97 degrees on our back patio with 75% humidity. We don't have air conditioning in our home. When we bought our home, we were told that San Diego climate is so mild you don't need airconditioning. I wish we hadn't listened as the summer can be miserable (for California weather). Amy and I decided the best way to beat the heat was to go to a movie. We went to see the "chick Flick" The Proposal. It was a very light hearted fun movie and made me and Amy want to go to Alaska.

Today we are sitting in front of fans trying to keep cool. I am making some cookies as a way to thank Kathy, Pam and Vicki ( my oncology nurses) who take such good care of me. I will bring them with me when I go to chemo tomorrow. Having Amy here has been great because it takes my mind off of the fact that I have to get sick one more time.

Once the cookies are baked we are going to head for some retail therapy in some nice air conditioned stores

Fun this afternoon

Amy and I went to look at Wedding Dresses today. It was fun to sit and watch all the brides trying on dresses and to see all the different styles of dresses. Amy tried on a lot of pretty dresses and we were able to determine which styles suited her and which styles were comfortable. The style right now is a strapless tight bodice. In order to get the "right look" they require a corset with stays. These things are so tight you literally break a sweat trying to latch it in the back. It looked so horribly uncomfortable, Some of the dresses were so tight that one bride said she didn't care if she couldn't sit down during her wedding day. Luckily Amy is not that way. She wants to be comfortable and able to move freely on her wedding day.

After trying on all these dresses, Amy is more convinced then ever that she can make her own wedding dress. She thinks she can make it much cheaper and with high quality. We then went to a fabric store and found the perfect pattern for the dress. We priced out what the fabric would cost and it is much much less than buying a dress. Amy has a very high end sewing machine and I think she can make a very nice dress. My only concern is that she is not trying to do too much. I wish I was close by to help her.

Amy arrives today

Amy is flying in from San Jose at 11:30 AM today. She will be staying with me until Tues AM when I go for the final chemo. I am feeling pretty tired but I am looking forward to seeing her and talking about the wedding. We are going to go to a couple of bridle stores to try on dresses just to get a feel for what looks good and what feels good. I am trying to talk her out of making her wedding dress. I think it is too much work with having the wedding at their home and doing most of the preparation herself.

BTW: Remind me never to take two 100 pound dogs to the vet when I am going through cancer treatment. I must be INSANE!!! By the time I got both dogs into the exam room I was ready to pass out. Of course Fergus had to be the biggest BUTT HEAD ever. I was ready to give him away to the first person who would take him. Problem is no one seems to want a shedding, slobbering, hyperactive 110 pound dog......hmmm I wonder why???

Sorry I have not posted

I forget that when I don't post anything on my blog for awhile everyone worries about me. I feel like I am in a time warp and I don't realize that an entire week has gone by. Plus I spend most of my time in bed. It is difficult to find anything to write about when it feels to me like everyday is the same as the next.

Today my "big excitement" is taking both dogs to the vet. They have been neglected in their vaccinations and such for the last two years and I realized that I need to get them caught up. Wily is no problem at the vet. Fergus is another matter...... He wants to visit all the dogs, cats and new people. He is clumsy, large and strong and has the ability to get a whole room worked up to his level of excitement. As any one knows who works with dogs or horses.....it isn't about muscling them to do what you want. It is all about using your body language to let them know what you want. Usually I am pretty good at this. It will be interesting to see if I can project the "alpha' when I feel like the 110 lb weakling.

Another interesting bit of information to share. I saw my therapist yesterday and she told me that the San Diego Breast Cancer support group will not allow anyone to attend that has metastasis of their breast cancer. The reason is that it will make the other cancer patients scared. It this the most messed up thing you have every heard???? These poor women who have metastatic cancer have no support group. Because of this my therapist created her own support group for any woman with Metastatic cancer. Good Job Dr. Sherman!!!

Is anyone else shocked by this?

Today...feeling much better

Today is Sat. and I am feeling much better physically and mentally. My friend Ally came over this morning. She just got back from vacation in New England and brought lots of pictures to show me. Coincidentally she has been looking at wedding dresses in anticipation of getting engaged to her boyfriend Mike. She helped me look at wedding dress websites and we found a really good one and picked out a few dresses we thought Amy might like. Amy has been planning on making her wedding dress. I am worried that it will be too much work with her doing most of the wedding herself plus her other responsibilities. I am not sure if she will like what we picked out but it is a start. Amy and perhaps her fiance Ray are coming down to visit me at the end of next week before round 4 of chemo. We are going to spend a day trying on wedding dresses to see what styles she likes. It will be so fun....I can't wait!!!!

Appointment with Therapist

I think I might have mentioned that I have been referred by my oncologist to a psychotherapist that works with cancer patients. Today was the second time I saw her and I think she is going to be helpful. We talked about my feelings of hopelessness. My belief that everything I did the last two cancer diagnosis to "heal" myself seem completely meaningless and ineffective because I am once again sick. These things included prayer, guided imagery, hypnotherapy, acupuncture and support groups. She said that just because I got sick again doesn't mean these things have no value. She said there are 5 aspects to to dealing with cancer: social, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. I told her I am having the most problem with the mental and the emotional aspects. She said there are tools I can use to help me re frame my mental thoughts. Here is a simplistic example, I am so disappointed and angry that I am not well enough to help my daughter plan and execute her wedding. In addition, I have not worked for several years so our financial situation is much more limited than normal. I have been focusing on what I can't do for my daughter as opposed to what I can do. She said each day I should think about one of these 5 areas and consciousely make a decision to create a happier/healthier environment. She says even though I don't have control over the outcome of this disease I create a meaningful hopeful life with cancer. She said it isn't "magic". A person just has to be willing to practice some different skills and ways of dealing with pain, anger and disappointment.

Still sick

Today is Monday and I still don't have the energy to get out of bed. I feel like I am never going to feel healthy again. I have a bunch of doctor's appointments this week. I hope I will be able to drive myself as Derek had to take the entire week off last week to take care of me. I can't believe it was a holiday weekend and our anniversary as it seems like it never happened. I still don't feel well enough to read. I am so sick of being sick.

sleeping all the time

I have been sleeping non stop for the last 2 days. Yesterday was my 16th wedding anniversary and I had a hard time lifting my head to say "Happy Anniversary!" to Derek. I am very weak and very tired and extremely out of it. This should get better in a few days.