Warren L. Delano passes away

I was shocked when Derek let me know that Warren had passed away suddenly in Nov. Warren was an entrepreneur, open source advocate, scientist, and maker of one of the best software packages "Pymol". I met him during my tenure at Scitegic. He was one of my customers and was a very memorable person. He was extremely intelligent as well as open and giving. Every sales person has their favorite customers and he was one of mine. He was a young man in his prime and it is such to shock to loose someone so full of promise.

Merry Christmas to all my wonderful friends and family

I am laying in bed and it is almost midnight on Christmas Eve. Derek is already asleep and snoring softly beside me. It has been a difficult week. I have been having a hard time recovering from the most recent surgery. The pain got so bad that my Doctor admitted me to the hospital for blood work./CT Scan. I was very worried it would mean another hospital stay over the holidays. Luckily they couldn't find any obstruction and sent me home with anti-nausea drugs and pain killers. So I am very happy that I will be home with my family for Christmas. I was planning on cooking a really involved meal. But Derek (bless his heart) suggested that we go to Honeybaked Ham and buy the meat and all the trimmings. I was resistant to the idea.....but I had been unable to get out of bed the entire week so logic trumped my fantasy of cooking this wonderful Christmas Dinner for my family. Amy, Rich, Derek and his Uncle John and perhaps my son-in-law Ray will join us for dinner. All wonderful people with great sense of humor and love of family. It should be really fun.

Only concern is my poor daughter is still having a very bad first trimester. She can't keep anything down and can barely even drink. She has already lost over 15 pounds the first month of her pregnancy. She is going to stay with me for a while before she heads back. I hope I can cook or find some food that will settle on her stomach, I can't imagine vomiting multiple times per day for weeks on end. I feel so helpless as there is nothing I can do

Trying to stay positive

Not recovering quickly from this most recent surgery. I am still in a lot of pain and really feel best if I don't move around very much. I am going out of my mind staying inside with the beautiful weather. I had to do some Christmas shopping. It felt good to be outside. My posture is somewhat" hunched over" from the belly pain and that in turn hurts my back. Mentally I understand that my body has been through so much in the past two years and is unable to recover quickly. Emotionally I feel down and start to worry if I am going to be faced with a life of chronic pain. If I could just get a break and have a couple of years with no health problems, I think I can recover some of my strength, grace of movement and endurance. Right now I walk and move like an old woman.

I am going to be a Grandma!

Wonderful news!!! The only problem is that Amy is really having terrible morning sickness. My heart goes out to her. There is nothing worse than throwing up and feeling sick to your stomach. I told her that I hope it goes away after the first trimester. She had to go to hospital on Mon. because she was throwing up so much that she couldn't keep anything down. They did an ultrasound and sure enough there is a baby. I think she is only a month pregnant so you can't make out any details on the ultrasound. She thinks the baby will be born in early August. She will get her official due date when she goes to her first prenatal appointment next week.

Its almost a week and still in pain

I am getting really fed up with being in pain. I am so crabby that Derek is hiding in his office and just coming out for Diet Cokes. I don't remember this surgery being so painful last time. I pulled out my old pain pills from a year ago. It seems like morphine does the "trick" for this type of abdominal pain. The most difficult part is that eating causes a lot of pain. So today I have stopped eating. Derek will find out soon and then try and get me to eat. A battle will ensue and he will once again barricade himself in his office and fortify himself for the next battle. I am a difficult patient

Back home and healing

Thanks for all your emails, prayers and phone calls. They all mean so much to me. It appears the surgery has gone well although things are still very swollen and painful. I can barely get my largest sweatpants over my swollen abdomen. Every time I try and move my body hurts. My appetite is very minimal because just a small amount of food moving through my intestine is very painful. Today with some creative pain medication I was able to actually get some really good long hours of sleep. In the hospital, I had a morphine pain pump which I highly recommend. I wish I could have taken it home with me. Just push a button and the pain goes away.....what an invention. Derek and the dogs having been taking good care of me. Derek went back to work today so it was just the dogs and me. They know something is up and they are very gentle. Fergus sleeps right beside my bed and Wiley comes up stairs, sticks her head in the door to check on me every hour or so. God Bless them!!!

Getting ready for my surgery tomorrow

Today was kind of a weird day. I kept myself very busy so I didn't have to think too much about my surgery tomorrow. I went to the book store to get some books and then packed my hospital bag. I have done this so many times, I know exactly what I will need. Ear Plugs are #1 on the list. I have had so many hospital roommates that snore like long shore men. One time it was so bad that the nurses moved me to another room in the middle of the night. #2 on the list is nice smelling shower gel. The smell of the soap in the hospital just turns my stomach. I hope I don't have any male nurses. In my experience, male nurses are rough and don't have a nurturing spirit. I am sure there are exceptions but I don't like being taken care of by men.

My surgery is at 7:15 AM which will be the first surgery of the day. I picked that time so that I didn't have to go all morning without drinking and also there would be no chance of a delay. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM. I probably won't sleep tonight. Luckily my Dad sent me a really good book. It is about a woman who escaped from Warren Jeffs polygamist commune in Colorado City. This book is so strange and disturbing that I can't put it down. Who would have guessed that there are communities of women in this country that are enslaved just like in Saudi Arabia. What is even stranger is that that many voluntarily put up with such treatment.

What I did on my Thanksgiving Vacation..part 2

I decided to create my own Fresh Water Plant tank with tropical fish. Most of you know that Derek is a big fish person. We currently have a 160 gallon Salt Water Reef Tank in our family room. Derek has had many fish tanks during our marriage. At one time, we had 3 huge fish tanks. There is this Japanese man who does this beautiful "aquascaping" of Fresh Water Plant tanks. I have always admired his work as Derek bought his book about 14 years ago. I decided I was going to do my own fish tank. I put it in our bedroom so that I can watch the fish from my bed. I thought that would be really cool when I got out of the hospital and was bedridden for awhile. Here is documentation of this process. Derek helped me out a lot....although me did make me a bit nervous

What I did on my Thanksgiving Vacation..part 1

1. Rode my stallion (for 10 min & then was exhausted)
2. Made Colonial Game Pie....wonderful

Baby Dream

In my dream, there appeared a very beautiful baby boy who looked to be about 10 months old. He tottered over to where I was standing and grabbed hold of my leg and looked up at me. He had big brown eyes, full lips and curly brown hair. He put up his arms to indicate he wanted me to pick him up. I picked him up and he folded his arms around my neck and hugged me. I felt a very intense love for this baby even though I knew he was not my own. Throughout my dream we were together, laughing, hugging and playing with each other. When I woke the next morning, I couldn't stop thinking about this baby.

A fews days latter it occurred to me......I wonder if I had just met my future grandchild!!

I can't believe it is almost Thanksgiving

November has flown by and Thanksgiving is this coming Thursday!!! Derek and I will be "home alone" this year. Derek requested Colonial Game Pie for dinner rather than making a turkey for just 2 people. Colonial Game Pie is a Recipe from Colonial Williams burg. The original recipe consisted of venison, wild boar, and duck in a port wine/current jelly sauce and then everything put into a pie crust and baked. My girlfriend Kathy found the recipe 25 years ago and shared it with me. It has been a favorite of mine. The 21st century version uses Steak, pork and chicken but with the same sauce and seasonings. Very rich and very good.

I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday.

God Bless,

Margaret

I am done wallowing

I have been wallowing in self pity for the first part of this week. I have been having a lot of body pain, tiredness and looked up the side affects of a drug I have to take for he next 5 years (Femara). Because I had an hormone receptor positive breast tumor, I am supposed to take Femara which prevents my body from making estrogen. The side effects and percentages experiencing them are as follows: bone pain 69%, muscle pain 69%, lethargy 58% and extreme temp regulation problems 89%. Apparently this generation of drugs has less side affects that Tamoxifan which they used to use (that must have been awful). I can't imagine having to take this FREAKIN DRUG for 5 years!!!! I hope these oncologists know what they are doing. I feel like by the time I stop taking the drug I will be too old to have any fun. I really thought this decade of my life was going to be great and so far it has been Really Really CRAPPY. So I have been in my bed wallowing for the last two days.

Today I am officially done wallowing. I got out of bed and took the dogs to the beach and walked in the sun and soaked up the ocean air. I thanked God for all the blessings that I have been given and will once again focus on the positive and not the negative.

My Friend Ally as Wonder Woman & Mike as Clark Kent

I had lunch yesterday with my friend Allyson. It was great to catch up. Last time we got together I had no hair. Now I don't look so much like a cancer patient......just a woman with a penchant for a butch haircut. Ally had a Kick Ass Halloween costume this year. I asked her for some photos to post. She was Wonder Woman and her boyfriend Mike was Clark Kent. I think Ally makes a perfect Wonder Woman.....ahhh to be young again.

First horseback ride in 8 months

I decided that I am well enough to ride Monique even though my back and neck have been so sore. This morning I got up early, put on my riding gear and went out to the barn. They didn't have a mounting block so I used a big rock to help me get on to my tall mare. I put my leg up on the rock to hoist myself up and almost fell over. I didn't realize that my leg wasn't strong enough to pull up my weight. Then I put my foot in the stirrup and lifted my right leg over the horse. Just as I did that Monique stepped forward and I almost fell off. This lack of balance and strength was surprising to me and completely unexpected. We started off down the trail. I was expecting my old horse that is so sensitive and tuned into my aids. This was not the case and it was like riding a strange horse. Monique has been used as a lesson horse for the last year. Many different people ride her with many different riding abilities. A good safe lesson horse has to be able to handle many different styles of riding and the many different ways people ask her perform. I guess it is like giving your pet dog to someone else for a year. Then after having no contact for a year expecting your dog to be tuned into your commands and to respond to you.

My friend Kim has really helped me financially by taking care of Monique and I am so grateful. Monique loves her new job as a lesson horse and is teaching many people young and old to ride. I didn't realize that I would loose her in this process. It no longer feels like she is my horse and It makes me long for the way things used to be.

Changing what I put into my body

I have had a horribly painful stiff neck for the last 3 months. It is so bad that I can't turn my head and my shoulders and upper back sometime spasm with pain. I decided i needed to see a chiropractor and one was recommended by a friend I trust. What I didn't realize was this woman is a holistic practitioner and approaches patients with not only manipulation, but nutritional supplements, homeopathy and healthful foods. I have always thought these kind of people are a little be crazy and have never liked extreme diets. However since my 2nd cancer diagnosis in 2007, I have had a terrible diet. It consist mostly of lots of coke (12 cans per day), candy, beef, rice and potatoes. My ostomy has prevented me from eating fruits and vegetables and anything with fiber. Mostly I don't like to eat and would be happy just drinking cokes all day. I would not recommend that someone eat the way I do.

This Doctor said that I had to get off the diet cokes and get rid of the sugar. So for the last week and 1/2, I have been drinking 3 quarts a day (1 Qt. for each 50 lbs of body weight). No artificial sweeteners are allowed so I am allowed to use RAW Organic honey and Agave syrup. My sugar frosted flakes have been replaced with regular corn flakes. Next come the organic dairy, beef and poultry. My first inclination is to dismiss this as the thinking of a bunch of wackos.and go back to drowning my sorrows in many many cokes.. But then I reflect upon the fact that I have had 3 very serious cancers in 5 years. I don't seem to be doing a very good job of keeping myself cancer free, I guess it can't hurt to try something different and makes some sense. At this point, I don't have much to loose. I just have to try not to get annoyed with people trying to make food as indedeible as possible.

From Derek.....

The following is an actual question on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely .. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has already frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh My God!”



(the student got an A+)

Surgery scheduled

I saw my surgeon today to schedule my surgery. I was feeling uneasy about having this surgery right away. I still have some sort of low grade skin infection and am still very tired. To my surprise, his first available date was right before Thanksgiving. I thought if he isn't in a hurry than neither am I. Thanksgiving 2004 I was so sick from the chemotherapy and radiation that I could only stumble out of bed to barely eat a Marie Calendar Frozen Turkey dinner. Thanksgiving Day 2007 they released me from the hospital after being diagnosed with inoperable cancer and with an ostomy (talk about depressing). I'll be damned if I am going to celebrate another Thanksgiving in the hospital or recovering from more surgical indignities. I have scheduled my surgery for Nov. 30th. That way I can have a good Thanksgiving and should be better by Christmas.

More Pics

Me, Amy, Ray and Rich (my son)
Dad, Bonnie and Rich (my brother)
Derek Darling

wedding pictures

Amy and Ray
Amy, Ray, Richard and Bonnie
Ray and his Dad Jack

I am back home

I had a wonderful time up in Northern CA. Besides getting my daughter married, I was able to see some wonderful friends. I stayed with my brother Rich and his wife Bonnie and they were great hosts and tireless wedding planners. We had a bit of drama the day of the wedding. I got a call from Amy the morning of her wedding saying that she had been up all night with vomiting and diarrhea. By 9:30 that morning she still couldn't get out of the bathroom (wedding was at 2:00). Rich immediately called the pharmacy to find out what over the counter medicine we could use. I have the best anti-nausea/vomiting meds on the planet (unfortunately the were all in SD). When I got to Amy's house she was so sick and was crying because we were going to have to cancel the wedding. I knew if we could stop her vomiting and if she could get a few hours sleep we might be able to go forward with the wedding. I called Grandma Jo and asked that she and the family start praying for Amy. Luckily Amy had some really good girlfriends and they came over with a van to pack things up. Then Rich, Bonnie and I packed the rest of the stuff in two cars and drove the wedding/reception place which was a 45 minute drive from San Jose. Derek was driving up that day from San Diego and he was meeting us at the reception area to help us set up. As you all know, this was a "do it yourself" wedding and Amy had made all the plans. We all were depending upon having Amy there to direct us. So with no Amy we all did our best to set up tables, chairs, arrange flowers and generally decorate the place. The guests started rolling in at 2:00 and there was still no bride or no groom. At this point, I wasn't sure if we were going to have a wedding or just a big party. Finally at 2:30 she finally answered her cell phone and she was and Ray were 10 minutes from the wedding/reception place. I told all the friends and family that the bride was on her way to gather down by the pond where the wedding was taking place. Once the bride and groom got there, everything went as planned. I was so completely exhausted and drained by that time I was really not much help. Derek, my Dad, Barbara, Rich, Bonnie and my son Rich and {Ginny, Emily, Nenna and Margarite} worked so hard to make sure the wedding went well for Amy and Ray. They were all tireless workers and I don't know what I would have done without them. I have posted a few of the wedding pictures. I still need to get the other pictures off of Derek's camera, More to come....

Packed and ready to go

Tomorrow I leave to go up north to Amy and Ray's wedding. I saw my oncologist yesterday and he told me I was getting fat. God Bless him...he just doesn't know how to talk to a woman does he??? The fact that I am getting fat means that I am getting healthy so I am going to take this as a compliment. My blood work (really low white and red blood cells) is still way below normal and I have some sort of skin infection. He prescribed antibiotics and antifungal medication. He then gave me his blessing to travel and told me to have a great time at my daughter's wedding. To be honest, there is nothing that can keep me from going to my daughters wedding short of being strapped unconscious to an ICU bed.

I am planning to take lots of pictures. Will be back home on the 28th of October.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers.

Love,

Margaret

Wedding is all I think about.....

I talked to Amy for 2.5 hours on Friday night. We talked about wedding stuff but also talked about all sorts of interesting things, people, events. You would think we hadn't talked for years we had so much to say to each other. She says her dress is done except she isn't happy with the gathers where the overlay of the lace and the lining attaches to the bodice. She says it makes her look like a giant marshmallow. However that didn't seem to bother her....she was going to tear out the lining and them reattach it a different way. Amy seems so calm. I would be "freaking out" if my dress was not done a week before the wedding and if I didn't think it looked right. Amy remains confident that she will get it right. Here are some cool things about the wedding. BTW: All of the below have been decided by Amy and Ray
1. Amy's Dad and I will walk her down the aisle
2. The ring bearer is Ray's cute 2 year old Nephew and the flower girl is a Amy and Ray's chihuahua "Jasmine" (complete with her own dress)
3. The walking down the aisle music will be Spanish guitar (which I love)
4. The wedding venue is outside in the Santa Cruz Mountains (LOTS and LOTS of trees a cool little house and pond)
5. The banquet will be Mexican food and prepared and catered by my son Rich and served with the help of his friends
6. There will be a Mariachi (sp?) band entertaining while they do the pictures (Ray and his family are of Mexican heritage)
7. Amy and Ray's first dance will be to "Danny's Song" by Loggins and Messina
8. Amy and Ray are being married by one of Amy's good friends Nenna
9. The party favors will be characatures of all the wedding guests done by one of Amy's artist friends
10. There will be crochet, botchie ball and horseshoes to pay on the lawn
11. There will be cakes, pies and other desserts for the guests (our family is big on desserts)
12. The dress is casual dressy ( No ties for the men, woman can wear pants suits or dresses if they like)
13. The main idea is to have a Kick Ass party as well as a wedding.

LOVE IT!!!

Amy has done this all on her own. I am so proud of her!!!

I dreamt last night....

that I was running through the city. I was running so fast and had such a long stride that I could jump between the streets. I ran across the city and was never tired. I was so strong. At times, it almost seemed like I was flying because my strides were so long and so high. I ran down to the beach where a storm had just past and the skies were clearing. There I met my daughter and all my extended family. I hugged everyone and they hugged me. I was crying with happiness because I was alive and was able to see my daughter married. Then I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

I had to get out of the house

I couldn't stand being cooped up in the house any longer. I was going crazy!!! I left the house at 11:30 this morning and didn't come back until 5:30. I drove up to Ramona (1/2 hour from my house) and hung out at the barn and spent some time with my friends. It was really nice to be out in the fresh air. I had an interesting experience. I wanted to play with my horse so I started to run to chase him. It was just an automatic physical response to being outside and feeling happy. In the past, I am used to thinking run and my body runs. My body ran for about 1 minute and then my legs gave out. They just started to collapse. I was so shocked. I had forgotten that I have been in bed most of the time for the last 9 months. I am so used to having command of my body. It is weird to have your brain say go and then your body just give out. I think there is a message there....."Take is slow Margaret"

Don't have much to talk about..

I have been exhausted for the last 4 days. I couldn't get out of bed most of the weekend. I forced myself to get out of bed today and worked on getting some stuff together to give to the disabled veterans when they come on Wed. It is nice that the weather has changed. I like the coolness and grey skies. I am looking forward to some rain tomorrow evening. There is nothing better than listening to the rain on the roof and smelling the moist air. I talked to Amy over the weekend and she has her wedding dress almost done. She seems very relaxed and confident that the wedding plans are going very smoothly. The only wild card is the weather. The wedding will be outside so we are hoping for nice blue skies. She is looking forward to my coming up to San Jose. I will fly up 3 days before the wedding. My brother Rich and his wife Bonnie will be taking those 3 days off so we can all help her with last minute details. All the family is looking forward to this event!

Facing More Surgery

I saw my surgeon today and unfortunately I was right. This problem is going to have to be corrected surgically. The exam was really nerve wracking. Just when you think you have endured every conceivable exam in every conceivable orafice....they come up with new indignities. I won't go into detail, but even the nurse looked at me afterward and said "EEEWWW". The surgeon said he had never seen anything like this before (and he looks to be about 60 yrs old). He apologized and said he was sorry this has happened. I showed him my blood work and he agreed I did not have enough of an immune system and was too anemic to endure surgery right now. He told me to go enjoy my daughter's wedding and then meet with him when I come back. They will look at my blood work and decide when to do surgery. I am so numb to this whole thing. I don't even feel anything right now. He is unsure if he can do the repair via laparascopy or will have to open me up.

Thank God for my 30 mg of Lexapro/day. Even though I know this should really bother me....it keeps me from getting depressed and keeps me from crying my eyes out.

Good New/Bad news

The good news is that the last 3 days I have been feeling so much better. I can get out of my bed and do stuff like walk one dog (short distance) cook and bake. Today I drove out to the barn to watch a saddle fitting clinic that was quite educational. I snuggled with my mare and talked to my stallion (mostly about not biting me) which he did only once today.
The bad news is that I am quite sure I am going to need more surgery. I have been having some problems with my ostomy that have been disoncerting. I talked with the surgeon a few months ago and he dismissed my problem as "normal". I am seeing him next Tue. and was trying to get a strategy in place so that he would really hear to me. My strategy was to see the hospital ostomy nurse and see what she thought of the problem. If she thought my issue was normal then I would learn to live with the problem. If she agreed there was a problem, then she would go to the surgeon on my behalf. The surgeon and the ostomy nurse have a good relationship. After observing my ostomy, she agreed that I have a problem and one she had never seen before..... OH LOVELY!!!
She is going to go with me to my appointment on Tue. and advocate for my cause. It is a shame it takes so much work to get the medical care I need but that is the reality of being sick. I also want to add that this particular surgeon is a really nice guy and really compentant surgeon....I have just had some bad luck. I am glad I feel well enough to take care of things. I don't even want to think about more surgery....perhaps there will be another way.

Radiation is over!!

I had my last radiation treatment on Friday. Now I just need to recover. My Dad and Step Mom left on Sunday. It was so good to see them and they really cheered me up. Barbara cooked for us every night (except Sat.). It was great to eat her wonderful food which included lots of beef to try and get my red blood cell count up. Sat. night Derek took all of us out to dinner to celebrate the last day of radiation. We had a really nice time and I ate a big prime rib with a hot fudge Sunday for dessert. Dad and Barbara were glad to see that my appetite had really increased and I was eating a lot more than last time they were here. I have posted some pictures we took before we went out on Sat. night.

My blood work

Thanks everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I had my blood work done this morning and now I know why I feel like crap. I am walking around with no red or white blood cells. I see my doctor tomorrow and he will probably arrange for an injection of white and red blood cell stimulating stuff. My dear Dad and StepMom called and they are going to drive out from Sedona to cheer me up and take care of me. No matter how old you are, it is great to still have your parents. I am so blessed. I have got to concentrate on the wonderful people in my life and not on my various aches and pains.

Amy and Ray's wedding Invitation

I wanted to post something happy! Amy did her wedding invitations on her Mac with paper from Target. The biggest expense was the stamps. I am so impressed with her ability to put together a really nice wedding on a budget. I know this wedding invitation didn't scan very well. I hope you all can see the wording. It is very personal to the both of them.

I am very proud of her.

5 more days of radiation

I am counting down the days. I am feeling very sick and have had trouble doing anything. My eyebrows and eyelashes are falling out....weird timing. The hair on my head is growing back. I don't understand why my eyebrows and lashes are falling out now? I am feeling depressed and can't seem to shake the feeling. You would think I would feel happy that this is almost over. It seems like all the fears are starting to rise again. I wake up each morning and can't wait for night time so that I can sleep again. I was supposed to get a blood test last week but just didn't feel like getting stuck with a needle again. I am so done with all of this. I hope this depression will lift soon.

Very very tired....

I have received several comments that I look pretty weary in the picture taken with my brother. My brother had mentioned that I had seemed to have shrunk. I really noticed it in pictures. I think part of the reason is that I usually wear high heels and haven't worn then at all since I have been sick. Plus I think I have gotten thinner and lost a lot of muscle tone.

I was in bed most of the weekend except to welcome my sister in law and her friends that stopped by for a visit Sun. afternoon. It was great to see Aunt Linda. She lives in San Jose and we realized that we hadn't seen each other in 4 years. Linda and Fergus really bonded. Linda loves big dogs so she was in doggy heaven for the afternoon. I am looking forward to seeing all the extended family when Amy and Ray get married next month.

Feeling exhausted but happy

Richard and Bonnie left this morning. I am really going to miss them. I had so much fun.... but true to form I overdid it. I am completely exhausted but extremely happy. I have posted a couple of pictures I took of Richard trying out Paragliding at the Para Glider port in La Jolla. We stopped by on our way home from radiation and it looked like so much fun Richard decided to try it out. I promised him when I get better I am going to try it as well. It looked like a blast. Check out the sunset behind Richard and me.....looks like Hawaii but it is San Diego.

Also my friend from N. Calif (Nancy) stopped by today. It was so great to see her. Even though we hadn't talked for a year it felt like it had just been yesterday. She is a really good dressage rider. She has been taking clinics with Lisa Wilcox (an Olympic rider) and has a beautiful Hanoverian gelding named Danik. Hopefully I will be able to meet her new horse and see her ride when I am up for Amy's wedding in Oct.

Bonnie and Richard are visiting!!

My brother and his wife have been visiting since Mon. evening. I haven't seem them in almost a year. I can't believe how much I have missed them. We have been talking none stop. Their visit has coincided with me feeling pretty good. They drive me to radiation each day and I have been having so much fun. I have attached a picture I took of them today when we were having a soda in Rancho Santa Fe.

I don't have brain cancer

YEAH....no brain cancer!!! I was pretty sure I didn't have more cancer...but you never know. My scientist friend Ally called me today and she did some research on chemobrain. It is a real phenomena. She said the Mayo clinic had some good information and she was going to forward some scientific papers. She said the brain cells will regenerate. You can help that along by doing mental exercises like crossword puzzles, video games (YUCK) and other mind stimulating activities. I have felt to poorly lately that I can't even concentrate on reading. I think I will start playing the piano again. Before I got sick in 2007, I was taking weekly lessons and was playing some really difficult Chopin pieces. I haven't touched the piano in almost 2 years. I will start by sitting down at the piano for 10 minutes 3 times per day. That shouldn't be too taxing physically.

Brain Scan today

I wasn't going to mention that I was having a brain scan. I like to try and be positive on my blog and didn't want to cause needless worry. Then I realized that part of the reason for this blog is to be honest and describe the realities of dealing with multiple bouts of cancer.

I had mentioned to my radiation oncologist that I was experiencing what I thought was a lot of cognitive dysfunction. I thought he would just say "that's normal and probably is caused by the chemo". But instead he said we had better do a brain scan right away to make sure that you don't have any brain involvement. The next day I told him that I didn't want to do a scan and that I was sick of being scanned. He said do you not want to do the scan because you don't want the information or because you are scared. I said because I am scared. So my brain scan was scheduled for this morning.

It involved having gadolinium (sp?) injected into your system. Then they put your head in a cage and then put your caged head and torso in a tube. It is quite unpleasant and claustrophobic. Luckily it only lasts for about 20 minutes. I should know the results before the weekend.

I am trying not to be too worried.

Rich left today

Rich and I had a very nice visit. I had hoped to be able to do more but I couldn't get out of bed all day Sat. We were planning to go out to dinner that night to celebrate his birthday and I was disappointed that I didn't have the energy. Of course, Rich was very understanding. He made dinner for Derek and me on Friday (see picture). He grilled chipolte marinated rib eye steaks, rose mary potatoes, grilled summer squash and My very favorite ( Heirloom tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, avocado, & basil). Rich and I picked up some "Growlers" of beer from Rock Bottom Brewery. Derek, Rich and I drank way too much beer Friday evening...hmmm maybe that's why I couldn't get out of bed on Sat.

I was very sad to see him leave today. It won't be long before I see him in Oct. for Amy's wedding.

My son Rich will be visiting for the weekend

Rich will be flying in tomorrow mid afternoon. I was hoping his girlfriend Ally could join us but she starts school on Monday and it doesn't look like it will work out. I am feeling better than the beginning of the week. The only thing I have done this week is drive to radiation and back. Richard just had his 27th birthday so we need to go out and celebrate. I am also hoping that he will want to see the movie "Inglorious Bastards".....I am not sure if he likes Q. Tarantino movies.

It was 84 degrees when I left the house at 9:00 AM this morning. It is so hot and humid outside that I have been afraid to have the dog walker walk the dogs. Wily is older and very sensitive to the heat. Fergus is jet black and will simply collapse and refuse to go on if he gets too hot on his walks. I don't want the dog walker to have stroke trying to cary 120 lbs. of Fergus back home.
Hopefully our air conditioning will be installed and functional by the end of the day.

Not feelin so hot

I have felt like crap for the last 3 days. I was feeling quite spunky towards the end of last week and decided to take a trip out to see the horses. I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't want to go home. Obviously I overdid it and am paying the price of being bed ridden with exhaustion the nausea. I saw the Doctor today before radiation and my blood counts are normal so I must be starting to feel the affects of the radiation. Lots of redness and soreness the entire left side of my chest. I have been treating this with Aloe Vera plant from my backyard.

The great news is that Derek has given the OK to install air conditioning. I have never had air conditioning anywhere I have lived so I am very excited. The weather has been extremely hot and sticky and I can't wait to close up the house and have cool air!!! I feel a bit guilty because I am not being a good world citizen by using more electricity. I will try to only use it when it gets really hot.

Cancer treatment circa 2009

Many of you have asked questions about where to you go for Chemo and how is it administered. I have also been asked about how radiation works. How long does it take what is the instrument like. I decided to have my nurses take some pictures at the oncology center and the radiation center to show what it is like.

The oncology infusion center is a big room with about 12 lazyboy recliners. Each patients has their own recliner where they sit anywhere from 30 minutes to 5 hours getting their chemotherapy. The picture was taken this week when I was getting an infusion of iron into the port in my chest. BTW: It is really working to give me more energy

The other pictures show me on the table where I go every morning to get radiated. If you notice the instrument moves around the patent's body 360 degrees. Initially they use Xrays to determine where the radiation site is located. Then they line you up with lasers and tattoo 3 marks that are used each day to calibrate the instrument to your body. Each morning they align the laser with my 3 tattoos (one between my breasts, one on my left side of my breast and one on the right side of my breast). They use 4 fields and it takes about 5 min. to complete the process.

On a funny note: Normally your breasts are exposed during this process. The nurses asked me before they took the pictures, Do you want your breast exposed or do you want us to cover you up. I chuckled and said "I don't think I am liberated enough to expose my breasts on the Internet. So this isn't entirely and accurate picture.

Please pray for the Garfinkles

I just received a call from Kim with some terrible news. My friend and horse vet (Christie) and her husband (Gary) just lost their home and all their belongings in a fire. If that isn't bad enough..... their beloved dogs and birds were also killed in the fire. Christie and Gary are beside themselves with grief. Christie told Kim that it is her animals that always help her through the tough times and now she and Gary no longer have them for support. They can't stop thinking that they suffered a horrible painful death.

This is the most generous and loving couple. Christie was the vet who was able to diagnose, treat and cure Monique when she had a horrible front end lameness 4 years ago that almost ended her riding career. When I got sick last year, she and Gary volunteered their time to come out and treat the arthritis in Mo's hocks (the equivalent of our ankles) at no charge. They have an incredible sensitivity and kindness to both animals and humans.

I am so so sad for their loss.

dreaming

Ever since I can remember, I have experienced vivid dreams at night. As a small child, these were often nightmares. I don't think my poor parents got a continuous nights sleep until I was well into elementary school. Most nights I remember my dreams and always entertain Derek with my latest night time adventures and exapades. I observed an interesting phenomena with this last round of chemotherapy. The entire time I was going through chemotherapy I didn't dream. The first two times I went through chemotherapy (2004 and 2007), I was so ill and so drugged up with narcotics that I don't have much recolection of the chemo experience let alone if I dreamed or not.

I have just started to dream again the last week or so. I am so happy to know that my dream life is back. I think because my life is kind of boring right now, I make up for that with very exciting, weird, night time adventures. The scientist in me wonders what is it about this particular chemotherapy drug that makes dreaming go away. I wonder if all people experience this or just me.

Has anyone else heard of this phenomena?

Checking back in

I just realized it had been almost a week since I last posted. I don't have much to report. I started radiation treatment last Monday and have had 5 days of radiation. I have 5 weeks or 25 more days treatments before I am done. I have already been experiencing discomfort but nothing I can't deal with. I have good days and bad days. I was able to drive out to Show Park this week to spend an hour or so at a horse show. I can't believe how weak I am and how quickly I get tired. I haven't lost any weight during this bout of cancer. As a matter of fact, I have been noticing that my clothes are getting a little tight. I am very anxious to get the port removed from my chest that they installed for the chemotherapy. It is itching and burning and causes pain. I will speak with Dr. Hodgins on Tue. to see if I can schedule the removal. I am not sure if they will do that procedure while I am undergoing radiation but it is driving me crazy and I worry about infection.

My friend Andrea sent me 2 really good books for my birthday. One is Elizabeth Edward's book "Resilience". This book really spoke to me as a cancer survivor. It is not salacious at all....but the story of a woman's battle with loss: loss of a son, loss of her health and loss of trust in her life partner. The other book is "The Survivor's Club" This book is so fascinating. It has nothing to do with cancer but is all about why certain people are able to survive extreme situations, like airplane crashes, bizare accidents, suicides....etc. It goes into personality traits, religious beliefs and why some people are lucky. I highly recommend this book.

Dinner out

Derek, Amy and I went out to dinner last night for my birthday. The restaurant had a beautiful view of the Harbor and Coronado Island. We had such a nice time. We ate great seafood, talked and laughed. We got to see the sunset and the lights come on in the city.

Amy left to drive back north this afternoon. Who would have guessed this would end up being such a great week. Great news medically and then a surprise visit by my daughter.

BTW: My sigmoid oscopy results were again negative (which is good). Amy held my hand during the entire procedure. I am not even going to go into my interaction with the colorectal surgeon (which was not great). I feel too happy to start back in bashing the doctors I have "issues" with. I will take the high road....this time!

Birthday Surprise!!!

I went to bed early last night because I haven't been sleeping well. About 10:00 I heard a big commotion of dogs getting all excited and galloping up the stairs into our bedroom. Derek leaned over the bed and said "Dear I have a surprise for you!" I turned over and there was Amy standing behind Derek. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had no idea that she was planning to surprise me. This morning when I woke up I was thinking.....was that real!!! I went out into the hallway and saw the dogs sleeping outside the guest room door and then I knew I wasn't dreaming. It is going to be a great birthday. She brought me a birthday cake from Icing on the Cake (my favorite bakery in Los Gatos).

She is going with me to for Moral support when I have the "procedure" with my colorecectal surgeon. What a great daughter

Life is Good!!!

GREAT NEWS RE: PET

Dr. Hodgins called me today and my PET is negative. That means there is no detectable cancer in my body!!! I am so happy. Even though I feel like CRAP, I can't wipe the smile off of my face. I am so grateful to all of you for your prayers and healing thoughts. I couldn't have made this far without all of your support. I still have some more "stuff" to go through but it is all bearable knowing that I am going to be fine.

God Bless!

Margaret

Oncologist Rant!

I had my PET/CT today and then went to my oncologist to check my blood work and then get an infusion of iron. I knew the PET results would be ready for my oncologist by end of day tomorrow so I stopped by the receptionist to make an appointment with him to get my results. The soonest appointment I could get was next Thursday because he was out of town Thu and Fri of this week and booked the beginning of next week. I was so pissed off!!! The radiologist wants to start radiation next Monday and that is dependent upon the results of the PET scan. This A-hole has me scared to death with thoughts of metastasis to my lung and liver and his office wants me to wait over a week for the results and then totally screw up my radiation schedule( I DON"T THINK SO!!). My radiation Doc (Dr. Hodgins) is trying to start my treatment right away so I can be strong enough to go to Amy's wedding (Bless his heart). I am supposed to see Dr. Hodgins this Thu for final appointment before getting started. I asked his nurse to if she could let him know to pull up the PET results tomorrow afternoon so we could go over on Thu. She said this is highly unusual and my oncologist should be giving me the results. I told her let Dr. Hodgins know the situation and I am sure he will make an exception. Thank Goodness Dr. Hodgins is a very kind compassionate man. I know he will wave protocol to get me what I need.

lots of medical stuff this week

Today I saw Dr. Hodgins my radiation oncologist to get set up for my radiation schedule. They made the form (that holds me in place) and did my three tatoos ( to align me with the laser on the instrument). Dr. Hodgins will then create the program the instrument will use to radiate my breast for the next 7 weeks.
Tomorrow morning I have a PET scan to look for any reoccurance of my anal cancer. Tomorrow afternoon they hook me up to an IV to infuse me with iron because I am so anemic. Wed. I have an appointment with my psychotherapist that deals with cancer patients. I have no medical stuff on Thu. Friday I am seeing my colorectal surgeon for a sigmoidoscopy to figure out why I am having some "issues" up there. My colorectal surgeon has his exam room set up for maximum discomfort and maximum humiliation. I always leave that place in tears feeling like I have been violated. Can't wait until the week is over!!

Third dog....PLEASE!!!!!

I am feeling quite a bit better and had the energy to take Fergus and Wiley to the local dog park. It is a really mellow environment. The humans can sit on picnic benches under big old oak trees and the doggies frolic with each other in the grass. Fergus zeroed in a little dog to bark at incesently to try and make him run so that they could play "chase". Most little dogs and their owners get extremely intimidated by this behavior so many times Fergus ends up back on his leash for a"time out". This little guy named Augie was completely fearless. He would tolorate a little bit of Fergus nonsense and then bear his teeth and lunge at Fergus repeatedly until Fergus backed off. I was talking with Augie's owner and it ended up that Augie was being fostered by this woman who had found him as a stray. She had taken him to the vet got him neurtered up to date on his shots and now he was available for adoption. I was completely smitten..he has the cutest little face. I was having visions of watching TV with Augie curled up on my lap, sleeping next to me in bed.

Now the hard part.....how do I convince Derek that we should get a 3rd dog when Derek didn't even want 2 dogs. I carefully put together my argument. Wiley is getting older and why not get a replacement dog now so it won't be so traumatic when her time comes. Augie is young and would give Fergus a playmate (Wiley is getting too old to play). Augie is small and won't eat a lot. I have always wanted a lap dog and this guy has big dog personality in a lapdog size. My Birthday is coming up and you won't have to shop for a present. And if all that fails, I could go for the pitty ploy. I have CANCER and this would make me so happy and help to make this time go faster.

Well I tried all of the above and nothing worked. I am still going to try working on Derek but I don't think a Augie is going to be a part of our family.

Kindness of strangers

An anonymous couple donated (to me) an infusion of medical grade marijuana in olive oil. Because of of all the weirdness associated with pot (even in liberal CA), the couple did not want to identify themselves. I received the gift via a friend of mine. This is a really interesting substance. It tastes just like olive oil and you only need to take 1 tbsp. It doesn't feel like you are stoned and out of it like regular pot. When I put some of it on toast, in about an hour I notice all my aches and pains feel less intense. I notice a mild stimulation of my appetite but not extreme. The feeling last for about 3 hours and these goes away very gradually. I have been taking a synthetic version of pot that is very very strong and cost $1500 for one prescription( of course with insurance it is only $50.00). It works better on the extreme nausea then regular pot but I am so out of it that I can't remember what I said or what was said to me during the time I am taking it. This mellow olive oil infusion is a great remedy for where I am at right now with respect to my recovery.

Thanks dear friend for "hooking me up" and thanks dear unknown friends for your kindness and generosity.

Better Today

My temp broke this morning. My other problem has seemed to let up as well. I called the doctor and I have a sigmoid oscopy scheduled for next week. I was really scared that I would have to go to the hospital. Took my temp a few minutes ago and it was 99 degrees. So still have a lower grade temp. I hope it doesn't go up again I was really sick yesterday

Not doing well

Today I have become progressively sicker as the day has gone on. I started to have some scary rectal bleeding/discharge as well as being so cold that I can't keep warm (80 degrees in the house). I have been in and out of the bathroom every 5 minutes. Tonight I took my temp and it is 102.1 degree. I feel very sick. I have taken some ibuprofen to bring down the temp and if not better will call my oncologist tomorrow morning. I did make an appointment to get a sigmoid oscopy to find out why I am bleeding. That will happen next Fri. I am so numb to all of this and I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I am better.

Visit with my oncologist

Derek and i saw Banerjee today. He always starts our meetings by asking me to tell him what we should do next. At first I was put off by this way of interacting with patients, but now I like it because it makes me feel like I am in control of my treatment. I told him that it was time to schedule my PET scan as it had been 6 month since the last scan. SIDE BAR: THIS PET SCAN HAS TO DO WITH MONITORING THE RETURN OF THE ANAL CANCER IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BREAST CANCER TREATMENT THAT I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH. BANERJEE HAS TOLD ME REPEATEDLY THAT HIS BIGGEST FEAR FOR MY HEALTH IS THE RETURN OF THE ANAL CANCER. .Banerjee then said, "lets discuss all the outcomes of the PET and what our plan would be for each outcome. What if the PET SCAN shows metastasis to your lung and or liver? Now I start to hold back tears because I wasn't even thinking of that as an outcome. Then he says what if the PET scan shows a local recurrence in your anus or rectum? Then I said to Banerjee, "Why do you always have to bring out the worse case scenarios. I said I don't want to talk about metastasis or other bad stuff. He looked at me and said, I disagree. I think you and I have to discuss all the possible outcomes of any step we take and make contingency plans. I said I don't like talking about the possibility of greater sickness when I am trying to only think about getting better. I am going to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow. Perhaps this is the best way to handle information.....I just want to bury my head in the sand and only think about having a healthy future.

Sunday evening

I am starting to come out of the chemo fog. I still can't get out of bed but I am not sleeping all the time. I am feeling crabby and out of sorts. I just need to remember that this will pass and I will feel human again. I have a big meeting with my oncologist on Tue to discuss when to do the PET scan. He seems to want to postpone my 6 month scan that is due now. I started to argue with him in his office last week but then thought it wasn't right to argue in front of all the patients. I need to hear him out before coming down on him.

Slept all day

I have been so tired that I can get out of bed. I can barely keep my eyes open to watch TV.....I just fall asleep. It is good to sleep as the time goes really fast. Derek is staying home and taking care of me. Not much to do. I wake up take drugs, drink liquids and then fall back to sleep. My sleep is completely dreamless.

Day After Chemo

Pretty drugged up and out of it. Had to visit doctor for a EPO shot to stimulate white blood cell growth. The house cleaner had just cleaned the house so I went up stairs, took a shower and then climbed into nice clean stiff sheets......HEAVEN!! I am going to just let the drugs take me where they may and wake up whenever.

More Amy....

Amy left today and I am going to miss her. We had a wonderful time together. Because I always get nervous before my chemo treatment, Amy and I decided to do a "movie marathon" last night and to stay up all night if possible. I only made it until 1:30 AM but then I went right to sleep. I slept through the entire chemo treatment which took less time than normal (Not sure why). The nurses all loved the cookies I made and I think they were happy to be appreciated.

I am posting some random pictures of some hats that Amy has made for my bald head. They are really cute. We also bought some scarfs to experiment with to try to create some exotic head pieces. Speaking of Wedding dresses, I have my Mom's wedding dress from the mid 1940s. Now that Amy is looking at wedding dresses she was very anxious to see her beloved Grandma's dress. I wanted to have Amy holding the wedding dress in the picture but she said she would have to get make up on and do her hair before posing for a blog picture.....so I held the wedding dress. One thing about having cancer.....you aren't expected to look that good.

Hot Hot Hot

Yesterday is was 97 degrees on our back patio with 75% humidity. We don't have air conditioning in our home. When we bought our home, we were told that San Diego climate is so mild you don't need airconditioning. I wish we hadn't listened as the summer can be miserable (for California weather). Amy and I decided the best way to beat the heat was to go to a movie. We went to see the "chick Flick" The Proposal. It was a very light hearted fun movie and made me and Amy want to go to Alaska.

Today we are sitting in front of fans trying to keep cool. I am making some cookies as a way to thank Kathy, Pam and Vicki ( my oncology nurses) who take such good care of me. I will bring them with me when I go to chemo tomorrow. Having Amy here has been great because it takes my mind off of the fact that I have to get sick one more time.

Once the cookies are baked we are going to head for some retail therapy in some nice air conditioned stores

Fun this afternoon

Amy and I went to look at Wedding Dresses today. It was fun to sit and watch all the brides trying on dresses and to see all the different styles of dresses. Amy tried on a lot of pretty dresses and we were able to determine which styles suited her and which styles were comfortable. The style right now is a strapless tight bodice. In order to get the "right look" they require a corset with stays. These things are so tight you literally break a sweat trying to latch it in the back. It looked so horribly uncomfortable, Some of the dresses were so tight that one bride said she didn't care if she couldn't sit down during her wedding day. Luckily Amy is not that way. She wants to be comfortable and able to move freely on her wedding day.

After trying on all these dresses, Amy is more convinced then ever that she can make her own wedding dress. She thinks she can make it much cheaper and with high quality. We then went to a fabric store and found the perfect pattern for the dress. We priced out what the fabric would cost and it is much much less than buying a dress. Amy has a very high end sewing machine and I think she can make a very nice dress. My only concern is that she is not trying to do too much. I wish I was close by to help her.

Amy arrives today

Amy is flying in from San Jose at 11:30 AM today. She will be staying with me until Tues AM when I go for the final chemo. I am feeling pretty tired but I am looking forward to seeing her and talking about the wedding. We are going to go to a couple of bridle stores to try on dresses just to get a feel for what looks good and what feels good. I am trying to talk her out of making her wedding dress. I think it is too much work with having the wedding at their home and doing most of the preparation herself.

BTW: Remind me never to take two 100 pound dogs to the vet when I am going through cancer treatment. I must be INSANE!!! By the time I got both dogs into the exam room I was ready to pass out. Of course Fergus had to be the biggest BUTT HEAD ever. I was ready to give him away to the first person who would take him. Problem is no one seems to want a shedding, slobbering, hyperactive 110 pound dog......hmmm I wonder why???

Sorry I have not posted

I forget that when I don't post anything on my blog for awhile everyone worries about me. I feel like I am in a time warp and I don't realize that an entire week has gone by. Plus I spend most of my time in bed. It is difficult to find anything to write about when it feels to me like everyday is the same as the next.

Today my "big excitement" is taking both dogs to the vet. They have been neglected in their vaccinations and such for the last two years and I realized that I need to get them caught up. Wily is no problem at the vet. Fergus is another matter...... He wants to visit all the dogs, cats and new people. He is clumsy, large and strong and has the ability to get a whole room worked up to his level of excitement. As any one knows who works with dogs or horses.....it isn't about muscling them to do what you want. It is all about using your body language to let them know what you want. Usually I am pretty good at this. It will be interesting to see if I can project the "alpha' when I feel like the 110 lb weakling.

Another interesting bit of information to share. I saw my therapist yesterday and she told me that the San Diego Breast Cancer support group will not allow anyone to attend that has metastasis of their breast cancer. The reason is that it will make the other cancer patients scared. It this the most messed up thing you have every heard???? These poor women who have metastatic cancer have no support group. Because of this my therapist created her own support group for any woman with Metastatic cancer. Good Job Dr. Sherman!!!

Is anyone else shocked by this?

Today...feeling much better

Today is Sat. and I am feeling much better physically and mentally. My friend Ally came over this morning. She just got back from vacation in New England and brought lots of pictures to show me. Coincidentally she has been looking at wedding dresses in anticipation of getting engaged to her boyfriend Mike. She helped me look at wedding dress websites and we found a really good one and picked out a few dresses we thought Amy might like. Amy has been planning on making her wedding dress. I am worried that it will be too much work with her doing most of the wedding herself plus her other responsibilities. I am not sure if she will like what we picked out but it is a start. Amy and perhaps her fiance Ray are coming down to visit me at the end of next week before round 4 of chemo. We are going to spend a day trying on wedding dresses to see what styles she likes. It will be so fun....I can't wait!!!!

Appointment with Therapist

I think I might have mentioned that I have been referred by my oncologist to a psychotherapist that works with cancer patients. Today was the second time I saw her and I think she is going to be helpful. We talked about my feelings of hopelessness. My belief that everything I did the last two cancer diagnosis to "heal" myself seem completely meaningless and ineffective because I am once again sick. These things included prayer, guided imagery, hypnotherapy, acupuncture and support groups. She said that just because I got sick again doesn't mean these things have no value. She said there are 5 aspects to to dealing with cancer: social, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. I told her I am having the most problem with the mental and the emotional aspects. She said there are tools I can use to help me re frame my mental thoughts. Here is a simplistic example, I am so disappointed and angry that I am not well enough to help my daughter plan and execute her wedding. In addition, I have not worked for several years so our financial situation is much more limited than normal. I have been focusing on what I can't do for my daughter as opposed to what I can do. She said each day I should think about one of these 5 areas and consciousely make a decision to create a happier/healthier environment. She says even though I don't have control over the outcome of this disease I create a meaningful hopeful life with cancer. She said it isn't "magic". A person just has to be willing to practice some different skills and ways of dealing with pain, anger and disappointment.

Still sick

Today is Monday and I still don't have the energy to get out of bed. I feel like I am never going to feel healthy again. I have a bunch of doctor's appointments this week. I hope I will be able to drive myself as Derek had to take the entire week off last week to take care of me. I can't believe it was a holiday weekend and our anniversary as it seems like it never happened. I still don't feel well enough to read. I am so sick of being sick.

sleeping all the time

I have been sleeping non stop for the last 2 days. Yesterday was my 16th wedding anniversary and I had a hard time lifting my head to say "Happy Anniversary!" to Derek. I am very weak and very tired and extremely out of it. This should get better in a few days.

3/4 of the way there

I just got home full of drugs and am waiting for the sickness to start. I keep telling myself only one more treatment. I haven't slept at all the last two nights. I keep waking up every hour and last night I finally got up and came down stairs because I didn't want to bother Derek. I just hate the thought of putting those nasty poisons into my body. I have got to keep reminding myself that this is the "cure".

Today is the 30th of June (Last day of the quarter for those in sales). I can't believe 3 months ago I was working with everyone to close and process orders (most of which were brought in the last 3 days of March). It was so fun and I was feeling so good about my group and about my contribution. So much can change in 3 months. I was just emailing a friend of mine telling her that the one of things I am learning from my illness is to just let things be. Control is really an just an illusion. Things will unfold in their own way and in their own time.

Chemo tomorrow 6/30/09

I had a wonderful day before Chemo. My friend Kim drove over the hill to spend the afternoon with me. She brought me a wonderful album of pictures of Mo and Capote as well as some beautifully framed photos my friends at the barn had taken over the last year. Usually she is so busy training horses and teaching students, it was a luxury to spend an uninterupted afternoon with her. Plus I got to hear Kim play the piano and sing. What a wonderful voice. Next time she will bring her guitar. Thanks Kim!!

Tomorrow is treatment #3 of 4 chemo treatments. Derek is taking the week off to take care of me. This weekend we were at each other's throats all weekend. I was exceedingly crabby and annoyed by everything he did and said. I am suffering from extreme ranges of body temperature. I am hot one moment and freezing the next moment. Last night I suffered from night sweats all night long and hardly slept a wink. I did get a few good hours of sleep this morning. The chemo nurses say this is one the effects of breast cancer chemo. They said it should improve with time. I sure hope so.

Things of eternal value...

Dear Readers: I hope my son would not mind me sharing his note with my cyber friends and family. I have the two most wonderful children a person could hope for. Being a Mother is the best thing I have done with my life. The love I have given them has been returned many times over. They are the reason I continue to fight. I am determined to survive to see them both married with children of their own. Thank you Lord for blessing me.

Hey Momma,

I heard the news today about Farrah and I'm wondering what your thoughts are on the matter. It's hard when I think she went through the same crap you're going through right now. My heart sank when I heard the news. It made me immediately think of you. I was thinking of what you might be doing right now. Maybe curled up on the couch, drinking a cup of coffee, watching Gilmore Girls while Derek "cleans the fish tank". I'm then taken back to all the memories of you. Playing nerf football infront of the Meriton Court duplex. Making gingerbreads with Grandma. Getting grilled on the green couch about my grades (not the best memory, but still bitter sweet). Going to the barn. Terrible vacations to Washington D.C. and amazing vacations to Washington D.C. All of our Christmas'. All of the great meals you made for the family. Enchiladas, Swedish meatballs, bbq chicken, salmon, your stuffing that amazing brussel sprout and bacon dish with green onions. Reading Amy and I books at nelson way. You have made such an impression on my life and have giving me my tolerance understanding and great work ethic to which I am ever grateful. But most important you taught us how to love.
The picture that keeps running through my mind is the one of you riding Mo when Ally, Sue and I all came out to the barn. You were very happy that day. I hope memories like that help when the go'n gets tough. I love you very much mom. I wish I could be there for you right now. I think of you every day and miss you. I want to fly out soon, planning for sometime in August. It feels like a long time to wait, but I'd really like to see you on one of our birthdays. I wish you strength to get through these next few weeks, I'm sure it's hard, I really can't imagine, but please keep your head up. Know that your whole family is here even if we can't hold your hand. You are an amazing mother, friend and confidant and I love you very much.

your sonny.

Here's to Elaine!!

I just happened to look at my work email and was shocked to see that Elaine Wuertz had passed away over the weekend. For those that don't know her, Elaine was a colleague as well as a friend from work. I met Elaine in the fall of 2007 when she joined Accelrys. She had previously worked for Pfizer and all my Pfizer customers told me how lucky we were to have Elaine working with us. When I was diagnosed a 2nd time with Cancer, Elaine stopped by my office to let me know that she was also a cancer survivor and was very honest and kind to me. I was very surprised when Elaine walked into my oncologist office in late Dec. of that same year. I was waiting to be seen by my doctor and she sat down next to me and confided in me that her cancer had returned. She was very optimistic about her recovery and I know she continued to work as much as she could through her treatments. I was thrilled when she told me that she was in remission. When I returned to work in Jan, she told me that her cancer was out of remission and she was headed for some more extreme treatments. We talked and emailed each other at work and were planning to have lunch. Every time we would set a date, she would get sick and have to be hospitalized.

Right after I had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, she asked me to come visit her in the hospital. At that time, she was fighting off a gram negative infection, so you had to "gown up" to go into her room. I spent most of that Saturday afternoon with her. We talked about life, about husbands, about children and the effect this disease has on your loved ones. I asked her if she got depressed. She said no, she doesn't get depressed because she is optimistic that everything will work out just fine. I remember thinking wow...she has a lot of strength!! We would talk for awhile and then she would doze off. There were lots of doctors coming in and out doing stuff that is so undignified (I won't go into details). She laughed and said you are the one person I know who understands the indignity of illness and If you are not embarrassed then I am not embarrassed. I also laughed and said that it takes a lot to embarrass me as well. When I knew she was getting really tired, I left her. We promised to see each other after I was through my surgery and well enough to visitors. That is the last time I spoke with her.

I am so sad that we have lost such a special woman. God Bless her and take care of her.

My Husband is wonderful!!!

Derek knows that I have been feeling pretty down lately. Last night he told me that if I was feeling up to it, he would drive me to the horse show were Monique was making her debut in a hunter class (jumping over jumps). I was so happy that he was willing to spend a valuable weekend day with ME at one of his least favorite places (smelly horse barns) that I was determined to feel well. We got up early and headed out about 9:00. We packed sun screen, a chairs, and a camera. We got there just as Miss Mo was being tacked up. We found a place by the warm up ring to watch the horses warm up. Mo placed first place in each class.....GO MO!!! My friend Kim was riding her and she did a phenomenal job. She is such a tactful rider and Mo just blossoms when Kim is riding her.

After the horse show, Derek took me into town for a Mexican lunch and beer. The food was great and it was so nice to spend a relaxing day with my one true love. We talked about the future and all the fun things we would like to do. It was so normal and so nice.

I have posted some picture of Kim, Monique and Me. I was able to ride her around a little bit after her classes.

Depression starting to lift

Today is Thu and for some reason I awoke today not feeling so depressed. The last two days have been dark for me. I talked to my Dad on Tue and I could do nothing but cry the entire time. I know that makes him feel very helpless and he worries about me. Yesterday was the same way. I had to make two phone calls and I cried the entire time I was talking. One of the persons was a friend so that was OK. The other call was to my insurance company and the oncology person (Jenn) that has been assigned to my case. I had worked with this same woman last time I was sick so she is very familiar with my case and has been beyond helpful to both Derek and me. I was crying to much that she suggested that I could use some psychiatric help. She is going to send me a list of people that I could speak with about this situation. I said I would like to talk with someone who deals with cancer patients and she says that should be no problem.

Today I am going to see my oncologist so he can measure my blood and probably give me some red and white blood celll stimulating factors. I can't drive so Derek is going to leave work to pick me up. I took a shower with nice smelling shower gel and then put on a beautiful summer frock and my wig. I can't deny that this hasn't been hard on my vanity. My skin is sallow, my bald head is the same color as my "fish Belly" white legs. My eye brows and eye lashes are almost gone. I look at myself and think I look like a female version of Keanu Reeves when he gets out of the incubator in the first Matrix Movie. Not a very attractive look.

Sunday: feeling better

I am feeling much better today. I have been sleeping 24/7 for the last 4 days. Today it seems like I am all "sleeped out" and have been awake since 10:30 this morning. I would say that the second round of chemo went better than the first round. The main reason was I didn't have to deal with a bowel obstruction/hospital stay. I also think being further away from surgery for my breast cancer and gall bladder seemed to make for a less painful experience. The oncologists at Scripps have discovered that if a patient takes Claritan while they are getting White Blood Cell stimulating shots they will not experience any bone pain. Last time I had really severe bone pain from those shots. Taking the Claritan Tablets has reduced the bone pain by an order of magnitude which make this so much easier.

PLUS....my daughter had told me about a mattress topper you could buy for your bed to eliminated hard spots. I had bought a very expensive mattress 9 years ago but the last few years it was causing huge pressure points. The joint ache and bone pain from the chemo made it really difficult to get comfortable. I ordered the 4 inch memory foam topper and put it on our bed before I went through round II. I can't believe what a difference it has made. I never get sore even though I am in bed most of the day.

Thanks for the tip Amy!!!