Depression starting to lift

Today is Thu and for some reason I awoke today not feeling so depressed. The last two days have been dark for me. I talked to my Dad on Tue and I could do nothing but cry the entire time. I know that makes him feel very helpless and he worries about me. Yesterday was the same way. I had to make two phone calls and I cried the entire time I was talking. One of the persons was a friend so that was OK. The other call was to my insurance company and the oncology person (Jenn) that has been assigned to my case. I had worked with this same woman last time I was sick so she is very familiar with my case and has been beyond helpful to both Derek and me. I was crying to much that she suggested that I could use some psychiatric help. She is going to send me a list of people that I could speak with about this situation. I said I would like to talk with someone who deals with cancer patients and she says that should be no problem.

Today I am going to see my oncologist so he can measure my blood and probably give me some red and white blood celll stimulating factors. I can't drive so Derek is going to leave work to pick me up. I took a shower with nice smelling shower gel and then put on a beautiful summer frock and my wig. I can't deny that this hasn't been hard on my vanity. My skin is sallow, my bald head is the same color as my "fish Belly" white legs. My eye brows and eye lashes are almost gone. I look at myself and think I look like a female version of Keanu Reeves when he gets out of the incubator in the first Matrix Movie. Not a very attractive look.

Sunday: feeling better

I am feeling much better today. I have been sleeping 24/7 for the last 4 days. Today it seems like I am all "sleeped out" and have been awake since 10:30 this morning. I would say that the second round of chemo went better than the first round. The main reason was I didn't have to deal with a bowel obstruction/hospital stay. I also think being further away from surgery for my breast cancer and gall bladder seemed to make for a less painful experience. The oncologists at Scripps have discovered that if a patient takes Claritan while they are getting White Blood Cell stimulating shots they will not experience any bone pain. Last time I had really severe bone pain from those shots. Taking the Claritan Tablets has reduced the bone pain by an order of magnitude which make this so much easier.

PLUS....my daughter had told me about a mattress topper you could buy for your bed to eliminated hard spots. I had bought a very expensive mattress 9 years ago but the last few years it was causing huge pressure points. The joint ache and bone pain from the chemo made it really difficult to get comfortable. I ordered the 4 inch memory foam topper and put it on our bed before I went through round II. I can't believe what a difference it has made. I never get sore even though I am in bed most of the day.

Thanks for the tip Amy!!!

My Mom's hat

My chemo today went very well compared to last time. No bowel obstructions and no hospital admit!! I am hungry as a horse and trying to control myself as I want to eat constantly. And I had gained 4 pounds in 3 weeks. I think it it is the daily Venti strawberries and creme frapacinos from Starbucks. How many calories do those puppies have anyway???

So to get back on track with the story. I made a mistake and bought only one head cover to wear at night. I didn't realize that your head would be FREAKIN cold at 5:00 AM after being exposed all night. I knew that my Mother in Law (Polly) had made me a hat the first cancer treatment with the expectation that I would loose my hair. As you all now know, it takes 3 separate chemo treatment to make my "UBER" hair (Andrea's words) fall out. Derk and I tore our bedroom apart looking for Polly's crocheted hat. Which I found....Thanks Polly!! In the same bag was a soft wool hat of my Moms. For those that don't know, my Mom was 5 feet 2 inch and 107 pounds soaking wet, so it goes without saying that I never could share clothes with her. Right before my Mom died, we went to Stanford Hospital for a second opinion on her condition. Even though my Mom was ill, she looked so cute that day. It was late fall and she wore a pumpkin colored boiled wool jacket, a grey vest and a soft very cute grey wool hat. Even though it was a serious appointment, it was a day I will always remember. After my Mother's death, my brother, sister in law and I went to clean my Mother's things out of her house. I came across the hat and vest and took them home. I had tried them both on many times but they were hopelessly too small. Tonight I put my Mom's hat on and guess what.....IT FIT!!! It fit like it was made for me. I guess I just needed to be bald. I am writing this wearing my Mom's awesome grey hat. It makes me feel like my Mom is with me.

Love you and miss you Mom!

Chemo Tomorrow 6/9/09

I am mentally getting ready for round II of chemo. I spent the day doing some laundry and light cleaning as well as getting some disability forms in order. I don't know about you but I can't stand a messy house and I know Derek's tolerance for mess is much greater than mine. I feel anxious if I am sick in a messy house. Actually I feel anxious if I am feeling great in a messy house. I guess that sounds a little crazy but I am sure many of you can relate.

My oncologist is giving me some different anti-nausea drugs in hopes that I won't have a shut down in my bowel like I had last time. Derek is going to be working from home this week so that he can take care of me during the worst of the side effects. The good news is after tomorrow, I will be half way through my chemo treatment.

I know you are all praying for me. Thanks so much for your prayers!!!

Buzz cut

Here are the before and after pictures. You can see that my hair was really falling out badly. I was nervous to cut all my hair off. But now that it is done....I feel relieved. Derek was really nervous cutting my hair. I found it very touching. He says he likes it better than my former hair cut. Wow he must have really hated my Lesbian/Grandma hair cut. To be honest, I hated it too. I think I look just like my son Rich!!!! I am curious to see what others think that know him. Derek commented on how red my hair was at the scalp compared to on the ends. I saved some hair to compare to when my hair grows back. I heard that sometimes it grows back different. It is going to be a long time before I have long flowing hair again.

Derek Darling

Derek has been so great during this latest illness. Last year when I was going through this we had a lot of conflict. This mostly was around the fact that I was not doing the things Derek thought I needed to do to get better. He thought I didn't eat enough, didn't drink enough and didn't move around enough. A couple of nights ago I complimented him on not badgering me at all during this last few months. He says he feels Lazy (weird choice of words) for not being on top of me to do all the things he thinks I need to do to get well. I told him I loved the fact that he has been so wonderful this time. He then proceeded to tell me that I would be doing much better if I listened to him but he has given up on me. I told him I really appreciated the NEW Derek and hoped he wouldn't go back to being a pain in the ass (I didn't say those exact words but something to that effect)

Today I went out and bought a pair of hair clippers to shave my head. I was going to use my horse clippers and then decided that probably wasn't very sanitary. I asked Derek if he would shave my head. He reluctantly said OK. He said he is very worried about making a mistake. I laughed and said "How can you make a mistake?" He said he was worried he was going to hurt me. He is so cute!!! I just love him!!!

Stay tuned for before and after pics.

My hair is falling out

Today as I was washing my hair it started to come out. It wasn't too bad until I used my flat iron on it after it had dried. I guess the heat in the flat iron caused the hair to really let go at the roots. Each time I used the flat iron a huge hank of hair would be left on the flat iron. I guess I was holding out hope that my hair wouldn't actually fall out.

I also have another strange malady. I have tears coming out of my eyes constantly. It is not "crying" because I am not having any emotion while it is happening. All of a sudden, I just have tears flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks. It happens about 7 or 8 times per day. I find it very strange.

Yesterday I decided that I needed to see my horses so I drove out the barn. I took my mare out to graze on some nice green grass. It was very hot and humid at the barn and after about a 1/2 hour I got so weak and dizzy that I could hardly walk. It was difficult to walk beside my horse back to the barn. I had to sit down for about a hour until I felt well enough to drive back home. Even with all of that, it was great to see Miss Mo and Capote. I got to spend some quality time with each of them. Capote (my little stallion) was very mellow. Usually he want to play rough but yesterday he stood there quietly while I brushed him and petted him. Perhaps he knows that I am not well and that he has to be careful.