I believe that this struggle has come to an end. I have survived cancer three times. I don't know why I have been allowed to get better and continue on with my life. There are many people more worthy than I who have not been so lucky. I believe it is God's Grace (The definition of grace being unmerited favor). I am recovering quickly from the surgery. I am looking into the future with excitement and hopefulness. At the same time, I am remembering to stay firmly grounded in the present. I have been profoundly changed from this experience. I thought the pre-cancer Margaret was who I wanted to be. But my friends and family tell me the post cancer Margaret is much better. I think that I finally agree with them.
God Bless all of you have followed this blog. You have given me such strength and have touched me in ways that I can't put into words. I do know that you have all been a part of the healing process. For that, I am forever grateful.
Love,
Margaret
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Julie's battle: Post 3
Sent from Julie's Husband Brian,
Dear Friends and Family,
It is with great sorrow but no surprise that I must inform you that Julie passed away on the evening of Sunday, October 10th, 2010, around 10:15 PM. All indications are that she died without pain.
Julie and I were married for 14 years, and they were the finest years of my life. Had I known before I married her what I know now, how short our time together would be, and how it would end, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least. The joy and laughter that we shared, and the love that started out strong and then deepened to a degree I didn't know was possible -- these make even this loss and sorrow worthwhile.
And Julie would agree. Even as late as September, when she had ceased treatment and knew that death was approaching, we would remark at how lucky we are. We had a home to live in, food on the table, jobs we enjoyed, the love of friends and family, and a wonderful marriage -- while so many people cannot claim even one of these. Life is not fair. I don't know why Julie and I were so blessed, but we spoke of this often and we were grateful.
Julie would not have considered herself a social individual. She taught herself to read well before school, and as a child often found books easier to deal with than many of the kids at school. And yet, when we look at the people she's touched in her life, the people who have agonized with us through the entire cancer process, we see an upwelling of care and support that is just amazing. By way of example, this blog alone has been viewed over 13,000 times since she started it. That's 13,000 instances of people caring, of people wanting to know how Julie is doing. She obviously meant a great deal to all of you, and your care and support has meant a great deal to us.
There will be two celebrations of her life, one here in town where we've lived and worked and have so many friends, and another in California where both her family and mine are centered and where we grew up and first met. In the next day or two I will be e-mailing out specific details of these to all the friends and family for which I have contact information. If you receive one, please feel free to share the invitation with anyone I may have missed. If you don't hear me, please check with family members, coworkers, or myself for specifics. While this gathering isn't open to the world at large, anyone who has known or been touched by Julie is more than welcome.
Thank you all for caring so much. It means and has meant more than you can ever know.
-B.
Dear Friends and Family,
It is with great sorrow but no surprise that I must inform you that Julie passed away on the evening of Sunday, October 10th, 2010, around 10:15 PM. All indications are that she died without pain.
Julie and I were married for 14 years, and they were the finest years of my life. Had I known before I married her what I know now, how short our time together would be, and how it would end, I wouldn't have hesitated in the least. The joy and laughter that we shared, and the love that started out strong and then deepened to a degree I didn't know was possible -- these make even this loss and sorrow worthwhile.
And Julie would agree. Even as late as September, when she had ceased treatment and knew that death was approaching, we would remark at how lucky we are. We had a home to live in, food on the table, jobs we enjoyed, the love of friends and family, and a wonderful marriage -- while so many people cannot claim even one of these. Life is not fair. I don't know why Julie and I were so blessed, but we spoke of this often and we were grateful.
Julie would not have considered herself a social individual. She taught herself to read well before school, and as a child often found books easier to deal with than many of the kids at school. And yet, when we look at the people she's touched in her life, the people who have agonized with us through the entire cancer process, we see an upwelling of care and support that is just amazing. By way of example, this blog alone has been viewed over 13,000 times since she started it. That's 13,000 instances of people caring, of people wanting to know how Julie is doing. She obviously meant a great deal to all of you, and your care and support has meant a great deal to us.
There will be two celebrations of her life, one here in town where we've lived and worked and have so many friends, and another in California where both her family and mine are centered and where we grew up and first met. In the next day or two I will be e-mailing out specific details of these to all the friends and family for which I have contact information. If you receive one, please feel free to share the invitation with anyone I may have missed. If you don't hear me, please check with family members, coworkers, or myself for specifics. While this gathering isn't open to the world at large, anyone who has known or been touched by Julie is more than welcome.
Thank you all for caring so much. It means and has meant more than you can ever know.
-B.
Julie's battle post 2
From last week. Julie's husband is now continuing with her blog. Julie loves her husband and her cat April and her dog Robin. We would spend a lot of time talking about our husband and the non-human loves of our lives. I have only taken this except because it touched me so much.
The animals know something is up now. April is our 18 year old tabby cat. April believes that any idea is a bad idea, unless it’s hers. If I put her on our bed (which she loves), she’ll immediately jump off. If I want her on the bed, I have to put her on the nightstand, which she’ll promptly reject by leaving it for the bed. So I wasn’t expecting much when I put her on Julie’s hospital bed. April was the only animal in the house that hadn’t had some contact with Julie recently. To my surprise, rather than immediately jumping off, she wandered around a bit and then settled down on what would be Julie’s lap if Julie were sitting up. She stayed there quite a while.
As most of you know, Robin is our 6 year old sheltie. He has a strong “weird” detector. If anything is weird, he’ll shy away from it. Things that are familiar can become weird, just because they’re in a different place or turned a different way. Being picked up is extremely weird. Being on furniture is not allowed. So when I picked him up and put him on the hospital bed next to Julie, I also didn’t expect much. Instead, he walked up to her head and sniffed her. Then he gave her a couple of small licks on the end of her nose, and paused. He repeated this a couple of times around her nose and face. I left him there, and he stayed another minute or two. Being picked up, being on the bed — all definitely weird. But still, instead of jumping down he stayed to pay his respects.
The animals know something is up now. April is our 18 year old tabby cat. April believes that any idea is a bad idea, unless it’s hers. If I put her on our bed (which she loves), she’ll immediately jump off. If I want her on the bed, I have to put her on the nightstand, which she’ll promptly reject by leaving it for the bed. So I wasn’t expecting much when I put her on Julie’s hospital bed. April was the only animal in the house that hadn’t had some contact with Julie recently. To my surprise, rather than immediately jumping off, she wandered around a bit and then settled down on what would be Julie’s lap if Julie were sitting up. She stayed there quite a while.
As most of you know, Robin is our 6 year old sheltie. He has a strong “weird” detector. If anything is weird, he’ll shy away from it. Things that are familiar can become weird, just because they’re in a different place or turned a different way. Being picked up is extremely weird. Being on furniture is not allowed. So when I picked him up and put him on the hospital bed next to Julie, I also didn’t expect much. Instead, he walked up to her head and sniffed her. Then he gave her a couple of small licks on the end of her nose, and paused. He repeated this a couple of times around her nose and face. I left him there, and he stayed another minute or two. Being picked up, being on the bed — all definitely weird. But still, instead of jumping down he stayed to pay his respects.
Julie's battle post 1
My friend Julie is struggling with her end of life. Here is an email she sent me in early July worried about me:
I just got caught up with your website and am so sorry to read about the devastating times you’re going through. Hopefully your surgeon will come through with some better ideas about what’s going on (besides cancer, that is).
I just started my next cycle of chemo today, but if you’re up for it, I’d like to give you a call on Wednesday. Please let me know if you’d prefer peace and quiet.
Hang in there, girl!
Julie
I just got caught up with your website and am so sorry to read about the devastating times you’re going through. Hopefully your surgeon will come through with some better ideas about what’s going on (besides cancer, that is).
I just started my next cycle of chemo today, but if you’re up for it, I’d like to give you a call on Wednesday. Please let me know if you’d prefer peace and quiet.
Hang in there, girl!
Julie
Saturday, October 9, 2010
synchronicity
My MacBook Pro laptop stopped working yesterday. Today I decided to call their tech support line to see if I/they could fix it. I was on the phone for quite a while with a friendly woman who was helping me find my warranty info (apparently I had never registered it). This involved getting another Apple guy on the line and having Derek find the invoice etc. Here is the interesting part: I had mentioned Derek had bought my Mac for my birthday 2 years ago. She said, I wish my husband would buy me a laptop. I thought a moment and then I said, well the reason he bought me such a lavish gift was because I was recovering from cancer treatment. She was quiet for a moment and then said, I am a cancer survivor too. She then added that she was a 3 X cancer survivor. I said ME TOO!!! After we were done with the support call I asked her the circumstances.
She said at 21 she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That same year she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She had some sort of radiation treatment for ovarian cancer and had surgery/chemotherapy for the brain tumor. 3 days after surgery she told them she was going home and didn't want anything more to do with doctors. She was told she would never be able to have children. Then at 24, she became pregnant. Her daughter was born 9 months later. After the birth, the doctors discovered her ovarian cancer had returned and she had to have a hysterectomy/ovarectomy. That was 11 years ago. She says she hasn't set foot in a doctor's office since. She has a perfect,beautiful 11 year old daughter. She says after the 3rd diagnosis, she decided to change her life. She put her trust in God and started using alternative therapies. Acupuncture, herbs. etc. Her last words were, I can tell by your voice you are going to be just fine.
Does anyone think that this is a coincidence? I don't. I believe God was speaking to me through this woman.
She said at 21 she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That same year she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She had some sort of radiation treatment for ovarian cancer and had surgery/chemotherapy for the brain tumor. 3 days after surgery she told them she was going home and didn't want anything more to do with doctors. She was told she would never be able to have children. Then at 24, she became pregnant. Her daughter was born 9 months later. After the birth, the doctors discovered her ovarian cancer had returned and she had to have a hysterectomy/ovarectomy. That was 11 years ago. She says she hasn't set foot in a doctor's office since. She has a perfect,beautiful 11 year old daughter. She says after the 3rd diagnosis, she decided to change her life. She put her trust in God and started using alternative therapies. Acupuncture, herbs. etc. Her last words were, I can tell by your voice you are going to be just fine.
Does anyone think that this is a coincidence? I don't. I believe God was speaking to me through this woman.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monique and her "kids"
Ask the horse what job she wants to do. Don't assume the horse is able or willing to do the job that you want her to do. It has to be a partnership.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"Love, Medicine and Miracles" by Bernie Siegel M.D.
This book was given to me by my Dear friend Jennifer B. over 5 years ago. For anyone who is sick or dealing with a sick person I highly recommend this book. Here is a paragraph about the characteristics of those people who survive serious illnesses (called exceptional patients):
They are generally successful at careers they like and remain employed during illness or return to work soon. They are receptive and creative but sometimes hostile, having strong egos and a sense of their own adequacy. They have a high degree of self-esteem and self-love. They are rarely docile. They retain control of their lives. They are intelligent, with a Strong sense of reality. They are self-reliant. Although concerned about their own welfare, they are also tolerant and concerned with others. They tend to be nonconformists with a permissive morality-they are unprejudiced, and they appreciate diversity among other people.
They are generally successful at careers they like and remain employed during illness or return to work soon. They are receptive and creative but sometimes hostile, having strong egos and a sense of their own adequacy. They have a high degree of self-esteem and self-love. They are rarely docile. They retain control of their lives. They are intelligent, with a Strong sense of reality. They are self-reliant. Although concerned about their own welfare, they are also tolerant and concerned with others. They tend to be nonconformists with a permissive morality-they are unprejudiced, and they appreciate diversity among other people.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Believe!!
I was in pain and very afraid last night. I prayed (from my heart not from my head) and this is the message that was sent to me very clearly. The message was "Believe". I need to believe that I am healed and that I am fine. The life lessons continue even though I want to stop and take a break. I do believe there is a purpose to what I have gone through. I need to let go of the past and embrace the future what ever that holds. It takes a lot of faith and trust to embrace the unknown. I loved my life before I got sick. But I couldn't go back to that life even if I was physically able. The very core of who I am has changed too much. My Dad and I talked about this (a lot) when he was staying with me. I think I was petulant and angry when he kept suggesting the future will be better than the past. I try so hard to hold onto what is familiar rather than move forward towards the unknown. I have thought of myself as person who embraces change. I guess I don't mind change in my external environment but I am very resistant to reprogramming myself from the inside.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Good news
Amy's surgery went great. She came home from the hospital about 2 hours after they removed her gall bladder. Her in-laws are taking care of Henry during the day while she rests. She says she misses her baby terribly and can hardly wait until they bring him back home at dinner time. I really appreciate Raymond's family. They love Amy and treat her like a daughter. It is great to know that she is in loving capable hands in my absence.
My Dad and Barbara left this afternoon. They were a HUGE help. Even at my age sometimes you still need your parents. I am now able to go up and down the stairs, fix my own food and be out of bed for a few hours a day. Even this small bit of independence feels great.
My Dad and Barbara left this afternoon. They were a HUGE help. Even at my age sometimes you still need your parents. I am now able to go up and down the stairs, fix my own food and be out of bed for a few hours a day. Even this small bit of independence feels great.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wanna see the cutest baby ever born???
Look at my Grandson!!! Look at the dimples!!! Look at the slightly red hair???? I can't wait to hug this little guy. His poor Mama Amy has to have gall bladder surgery on Monday the 4th. I guess pregnancy can cause your gall bladder to malfunction. She has been having constant gall bladder attacks since the birth. She can only eat very very bland food. Like the rest of us Amy likes to eat so she is anxious to be back to normal.
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