Friday

I was able to go out today to run a couple of errands. I think this is the first time I have driven in a couple of weeks. I had to pick up some new eye glasses and had to sit at a large mirror to make sure they fit. It was very hard to look at myself in the mirror. I saw an old woman looking back at me. I can't believe how bad I looked. My skin is so pale, my hair is pale and my face looks very drawn. The port they put in my chest for the chemotherapy is HUGE!!. It bulges under my skin and is so tight when I move my arm or turn my head. I don't remember the former port being so uncomfortable. So far I still have my hair. It is very dry and brittle but it still remains on my head.

I am going to cook some clam chowder for dinner tonight. For some reason, I am very sensitive to salt. All prepared foods taste so salty to me that I can hardly eat them. I thought if I cooked my own clam chowder I could control the amount of salt. I guess it says a lot that I am able and wanting to cook. For me, cooking is a life affirming process. As soon as I feel better, I go into the kitchen and cook or bake something.

Now that I am feeling better physically you would think I would feel better emotionally but it is not the case. I know I am very depressed. My sense is that in order to get through this I need to feel the feelings of sadness, grief and anger and what ever other crap comes up. Maybe I have to loose hope in order to find it again.....I have no idea???? I am at a complete loss as to what the outcome of all this will be.