What a hug!!!!

Richard and I were working to get my Mom's house ready for sale. As I walked into the kitchen, my Mom appeared. She was wearing a summer dress circa 1960 (blue flowers on the fabric) Sleeveless with a boat neck. She looked absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Her countenance was giving off the most beautiful aura of tranquility and she glowed with a white light. I said "Mom!' and ran to her with arms open, In my dream, I knew that she had been been dead for many years, but that didn't distract me from welcoming her into my arms. Though my Mom was only 5'2" in life, when I hugged her my head rested on her chest and I reached up to embrace her. Her hair and skin smell so wonderful and we hugged for a long time.

When I woke from my dream I wondered if my Mom had come to me to in my dreams to provide comfort and love. I believe that is the case.

Today

Saw surgeon who taught me to do a procedure that is too gross to talk about or think about. Just when you think they can't possibly come up with more indignities they always do.

He has referred me to gastroenterologist on Monday morning. I am trying to have hope that this pain will end and I will feel be pain free and able to eat food. I love food!!! I miss food!!! I could never be anorexic.

No baby yet. If Amy hasn't gone into labor by next Thu (8/5) she will be induced. I am hoping for a miracle that I will be able to be with her after the baby comes.

update on "bowel" issues

Something is not right. I can't eat solid food or I get the symptoms "appearing" to be a bowel obstruction. I haven't eaten hardly anything since last Sat. I think I am OK and then I eat a small amount and regret it for the next 7 hours. I talked to Amy today and she said I need to do something about this. So I once again I have a call into my surgeon to see what if anything he can do. I can only go so long without eating. I am at my wits end. They can't find anything when they look at the CT scans and X-rays. Have you ever heard the saying, "when you hear hoof beats you expect horses not zebras!" Maybe they are looking at the most logical explanation and they are missing something that is completely unrelated to my small/large intestines.

Now it is not a question of whether or not I will be able to come up to help Amy with my Grandson. It is not going to happen at least in the short term. I can't tell you what a disappointment that is to me. This is so important to me. BTW: Today is Amy's due date. She went to the doctor and there was no indication that labor was eminent. She has an appointment to be induced next Thu the 5th if Henry hasn't decided to show himself before that time.

Another FREEKIN Bowel obstruction

I am sitting up in bed waiting for the vomiting to begin. I have barely recovered from the last incident and now it appears that I am facing another one. I have lost almost 10 pounds in the last month because I have a very small appetite and am afraid to eat very much. I am waiting for Ray to call to let me know that Amy has gone into labor so that I can drive up to San Jose. Now I am worried this will set me back so much that I may not be able to make it up to N. Calif to help Amy out the first week.

LIFE SUCKS!!!

Thought I had better write something

I am still adjusting to my new "reality". That reality being that I may never get a whole lot better physically and will have to find ways to enjoy my life that don't involve the things I used to love (which are mostly demanding physical stuff). I am thinking about selling my remaining horse Capote. It doesn't make sense paying board on a horse that I can't ride for more than 10 minutes every two weeks. Six months ago I would have been completely distraught at the idea on being horseless. Now it just seems like one more thing I am being forced to give up for my new life. I used to hope that this illness would put me on the path to something new, exciting and different. So far that has not been the case. It seems like much more has been taken away than has been gained. The only exception would be the understanding of how great my family and friends are. I thought I already appreciated them but now I have a much deeper appreciation of their tireless giving of time and energy. I am a lucky gal.

Amy's due date is next Wed. the 28th. I am planning on driving up to San Jose when I get the call that she has gone into labor. I will stay up in San Jose for a week to help Amy settle in with her new son Henry. I am very excited to hold my first Grandchild.

Horrible Dream

I had checked into a hotel room with my dogs. The room was rambling with many rooms and was disjointed. One of the rooms looked out into a horse corral. I could see a pony mare with her foal and a little girl caring for them. I spent most of the time in my hotel rooms but then decided to go out for swim. There was no one around so I took off my robe and jumped into the pool naked. As soon as I did that the area filled with people from my former company. I was horrified. I swam to the side of the pool and a woman handed me my robe. I put on the robe but my glasses were fogged up so I couldn't see very well. I stumbled back to my hotel room. I went inside and was greeted by my dogs. I was looking for food to feed them , when a man walks into my room. I said this is my room there must be some mistake. He said no I have a key they must have inadvertently given me and my friend your room. We walked around my rooms and then I noticed all his luggage and boxes of paperwork and realized he must have already been in my room. I wasn't worried about it and thought that he and I would go to the front desk and straighten things out. We were making small talk and I knelt down next to Wiley to stroke her fur. I looked up at the man and he pulled a gun out of his pocket and aimed it at us. There was a loud bang and at first I thought he had shot Wiley because there was blood on my arm that was around her neck. Then I realized that he had shot me. I couldn't believe this was happening. I am thinking you see these things on the news all the time and now I am going to be victim. I looked up at him and he was still pointing the gun at me watching to see what would happen. I thought he is going to shoot me again. Then I started to feel the life fading out of me. I felt my vision constrict and a rush like I was leaving my body. I thought I am going to die. I can't believe I am going to die!!! Then I woke up.

The dying part felt so real. I was incredulous when I woke up and found that it was just a dream.

My oncological visit today

It was a decent meeting with my oncologist. Mostly he wanted to talk about fish tanks with Derek so at least he didn't make me cry. He thought my surgeon had some good suggestions about what to do to try to stop my bowel obstructions and stomach pain. He said if that didn't work, he could refer me to another surgeon. We decided not to do the 6 month PET scan and wait until a full year. Derek and I had already decided that was what we were going to do so it was good that he agreed. He does not think this current problem has to do with cancer nor do I.

I was lamenting about how I am not recovering like I would hope. He says that every time I go through one of the episodes or illnesses it sets me back in my recovery several months. Since I have these obstructions fairly regularly it means like my Step Mom says (3 steps forward 2 steps backward). I told him I never expect to be back to "normal" but what can I expect as far as recovery. He said something that shocked the heck out of me. He said in all his years of practice he has never had a patient that has gone through the treatment I have gone through. I said is that because most of them die? He said no it is because your case has been so unusual. He said people may have multiple cancers or recurrences, but the third time people present with a cancer, they generally can't tolerate a full dose of chemo as if it were the first time. I am the only one he knows that has had 3 first time chemotherapy treatments. It made me realize how crazy I am to think I will get anywhere near back to normal. Now I realize why I can't ride and why I can't work and why I can't clean the house. It also makes me realize how much damage this chemo must have done to my healthy cells. How long can I expect to live before I start having health problems from the actual chemotherapy treatments? Of course I wanted to live, so I had to have the treatment. Only God knows what is in store for us in the future so I guess it is in his hands.

Feeling a bit better

CT Scan showed no bowel obstruction even though I am having the same symptoms of a bowel obstruction. My surgeon has a couple of ideas and I will meet with next week. It has been almost a week and I am still in bed and so weak. I just started eating "real" food today. It has been almost a week since I have eaten more than a couple of bites. I see my oncologist tomorrow and of course he will jump to the conclusion of cancer. The CT scan only shows large tumors but wouldn't pick up small ones. Of course, it would have to be a large tumor to be causing an obstruction. It happens every 10 to 12 weeks like clock work. If it was something I was eating, it wouldn't be so cyclic. Derek and I our at our wits end with this problem. According to many ostomy support websites, it is an ongoing painful problem with many of us who live with ostomies. Others live with this. I guess I will learn to as well.

Thanks everyone for your prayers and healing thoughts.

More Crapola

Spent 1/2 day at the hospital today. I had an Xray of my pelvis and it showed no obstruction. Still having pain and discomfort. Scheduled for CT Scan tomorrow morning. Should have the results by mid morning. This is very depressing. More reminders of the frailty of my body. My spirit is strong just not my body. I keep hoping I will never face another of these bowel obstructions ....yet they continue to happen. I can't seem to control when or why. I try to be so careful about what I eat. I hope I will not have to admitted to the hospital.

Bowel Obstruction and Bad timing

I was so looking forward to the visit of my Dad and Step Mom. I had shopped for the meals and had some fun things planned. Wouldn't you know it, Monday night I started having the symptoms of a Bowel obstruction. It is now Wed. evening and I still am uncomfortable and can't really eat anything or I feel so full and like I am going to start vomitting again.. I was able to eat a little bit of ham and an english muffin. But the English muffin is stitting like a lump in my stomach threatening to come back up. Of course Dad and Barbara are great and say that they are just happy to see me. I am so SICK of being SICK. I wonder when/or if this will ever end.

A door closes

I received a call this weekend from my employer Accelrys that I am to be officially laid off. Accelrys has recently purchased another company and everyone knew there were going to be lay offs come the merger. I have been on disability for the last 15 months but have harbored the hope that one day I would be well enough to return to work. Accelrys/Scitiegic have been so good to me the entire time I have worked for them. Of all the companies I have worked for, this one is my favorite. I will always hold a special place in my heart for all the good people that have worked for and continue to work for Accelrys. I am not ashamed to admit that I broke down and cried when I was taking on the phone to our VP of HR. These were tears of sadness that this stupid illness has robbed me of one more thing that I value and treasure. But the reality is that I am not ready to go back to work. Mentally there is nothing more I want, but my body is not cooperating. It is taking a very long time for me to recover from the surgeries, radiation and chemo. I am confident that I will recover but I can't control when this will happen. I do know that God is looking out for me. He has closed the door. Because if the door were opened again, I would jump through the threshold with both feet and wear myself out trying to be the person I used to be.